Get A Grip

I ran across a blog that was just way too much. Is it a case of a guy leading a girl on or is it a case of on-line stalking by a psychotic stalker? It is hard to tell from a one sided conversation on this blog. Enjoy the glimpse of insanity but remember to be careful out there.

January 16, 2006

Dear A.,

I know I’m wanting what I can never have. I can never have you. It sure seems like it. I wish I was closer to you. But you’re probably feeling the same for that girl. The girl that you can never have. We are similar in that sense, I suppose. We are both suckers.

I think I’m selfish. I am selfish with my heart. I refuse to give the others a chance, even though the rest shows definate interest in me. But my heart is still there out there in the open for you, when you only show some minor interest. I am unable to get over this phase yet. I suppose I am a sucker for you.

Love,

The Girl.

January 27, 2006

Dear A.,

I suppose you’re more realistic than I am, huh baby? I must learn to take it easy. I must realize that the only relationship we’re having now is an online one. I can never see your face, or touch your skin, or feel your stubbly chin and snuggle up in your sinewy arms. I must realize all this, and take things as they come, and as it is. You’re thousands of miles away from me. I fear that your heart is further.

Our talk today didn’t click as much as it did the few days before did it? I begin to wonder again if I am just disillusioned. That I was just convincing myself that you and I had any remote chance to be together. Maybe I am beginning to put pressure on our friendship, and I’m starting to have expectations out of our conversations. To have each conversation better than the one before. Well, I guess that cannot always happen. We’re all human. There will always be highs and lows to anything I suppose.

Maybe it’s because of this subconscious pressure that you’re pulling away? I admit that I probably overdid some emotional confessions to you just now. That I love it how you get that mood rush and that you share it with me. That I missed talking to you when you’re not around. I’m sorry, it was probably too much to take in a span of a few hours.

I do not like to sound pathetic like this. Maybe even almost desperate. But I find it so hard to find someone like you. The things you do. The things you love.

But what I found bewildering is your responses to me. In the beginning you were distant, but now you’ve warmed up so much, and your replies can be so sweet sometimes. You’re not just playing with me are you? Sending a girl to 7th heaven just for kicks and then just leaving without taking responsibility of it by following up? What’s going on here, really? Sometimes your mixed signals just drives me nuts. I’d like to have some assurance, or some straight answer… good or bad, I just want to know, so I can act on it. I’ve dedicated myself to work for your heart, even though I had second thoughts in the beginning, but I’m not backing out now. So, just let me know what you have in store for me. Am I in or out? I don’t like getting myself all hung up here.

p/s: I get it now, I’ll keep the confessions down in the meantime and i’ll take it easier.

With all my love,

The Girl.

February 11, 2006

Dear A.,

Today has been confusing. First, I admitted to you that every day I don’t see you online, I’d miss you even more. All you answered was with a laugh. I needed to know how you felt, so I hinted, and you said that you do miss me too, ‘but probably not as much’. Not as much? My heart shattered a little when I read that. But I remained calm and said that I would take anything that I can get. Yeah, looking at it now, I should’ve stepped up a little, but I didn’t want to annoy you.

Next, I found out that you and a friend set me up for a lame joke because you two were bored. I would’ve been cool with the set-up but, you didn’t tell me it was a joke after the whole thing finished. You only revealed it to me when I brought the weird encounter up again today. I trusted you, so I didn’t think you’d be in on the joke as well. And you faked it all. I felt so confused as to why you two would pick me among other people. It was cool that you let me in on your next prank, but I was too confused, frustrated, and somewhat angry about the whole thing, so I didn’t join in.

I would always hear you out and lend an ear for you. So today you shared your story with me — your small problem with a girl you liked that sorta went haywire because of the girl’s obsessiveness. So, with all the stories you’ve shared with me all along, have they always been just because I am a friend who would listen? But I was always hoping because you trusted me and liked me, and in turn confided in me… something that only the both of us shared. Maybe it’s both? I am not too sure right now, my emotions are somewhat clouding my better judgement.

You only give me lukewarm responses, A. Only once in a blue moon would you humor me and say things like you wish I was there with you and all. But that only usually happens when you’re feeling particularly amourous. And still, you only say it after I prompt you to or obviously hint for you to say it.

I feel that whatever flame we might have started in the beginning has begun to burn out and turn to ashes. I am dissapointed. More so, I am sad. I don’t feel your love anymore. I am jealous of the girls that you message to and tell them that you were thinking about them. It bewilders me that they’re all slutty mid-teenagers too. They should go find boys their own age. This just confuses me more.

I have a life outside of thinking of you too, and I certainly feel more love and respect from these boys than I get from you sometimes. They call me up, meet me, and buy me drinks. They tell me I’m beautiful and sexy. And they make the effort of speaking to me by voice chat on msn and put themselves on webcams at my request even though I don’t have a cam and a mic for them to see or hear me. I know I may be starting to sound demanding, but these are just simple things to just keep our friendship (or communication, in the very least) alive. These boys are good for me, but I am still silly enough to be keeping my heart out there for only you.

I know you’ll pull through love, I’m still holding out hope for you. At least I am.

Love,

The Girl

February 14, 2006

Dear A.,

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart. Hope all’s well, and today just reminds me how much I still yearn to see you in person. I wish I could give you little hugs and kisses.

Lots of love,

The Girl

xoxoxoxoxox

February 20, 2006

Dear A.,

I know it’s been awhile since I wrote to you, but you know that I’ve been having Internet problems. It’s a good thing that we both still communicate with each other regularly through MSN! So things are getting slightly cleared up between us, and it seems that you still have interest in me, and you even still want to meet me, so I think things are still going alright. Sometimes you can be so sweet and caring. I still like it how you remember our past conversations instead of just forgetting it like other people. I hope you care for me more than I think you do.

You might wonder why I’m still putting so much effort on you. Even though you know you’re good looking, and you know that I know you are, I hope you understand that I’m not just working so hard for you for your looks, love. Your fiery spirit still captivates me every time. I’m like a moth to your flame. I would give anything to touch you. I would to anything for you to embrace me. I want to feel the inferno inside you.

Love,

The Girl.

February 24,2006

Dear A.,

I just got back from clubbing with my friends. I didn’t drink much, just enough to have a good time. This is so pathetic, I feel so depressed and lonely now. Damn it.

I think one of my newly met male buddies is into me — the way he danced with me and all. He’s alright but not quite my type. I do enjoy the attention and the way men make me feel feminine though. I tried picking up a few guys and getting their numbers, believe it or not, hahah! But througout all this I’ve just been thinking about you. Only you. All this doesn’t matter when I think of you. I will always continue to look forward to the day that I can be in your arms. That one fine day. That one fated day.

I must be crazy, huh?

Madly loving you,

The Girl.

April 19, 2006

Dear A.,

I’m finally in your state, and I was so excited! I <i>was</i> excited, because you never picked up your phone when I called you. You didn’t reply my text messages either. I thought it was because your had just got your phone after months of being without one, so you’re not used to checking your phone every day. When I did text you in the past, you took about a day or two to reply, so I’m hoping this is the case and you will check your phone one of these days and call me.

On the other hand, I know you had sent a bulletin to your online friends a couple of days before I left my city, saying that you’re sick of all this online crap, and you said goodbye to everyone, not to be seen online again. I didn’t think much of it, because I thought we were closer than that, and you had agreed to spend a lot of time with me when I arrived, so I didn’t think that bulletin applied to me. Well, does it actually?

At the moment, I’m in limbo. I’m not sure if you’re actually ignoring and avoiding me or if you’re just not checking your phone and have forgotten about me. In the many months that we’ve spoken, I believe you’re not the type of guy to leave a girl hanging like that. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. I know you’re more of a gentleman. I know we are much closer than that. What happened to everything we’ve talked about for over seven months? Even though we haven’t actually met in person, we do have a good history, don’t we? I believed that we’ved shared something.

I’m not in denial… I’m more in disbelief. It’s not like you to do this, which is why I am still so confused about this and have mixed feelings about me not being able to contact you. I am dissapointed, angry, sad, lonely, heartbroken, confused, and worried.

Out of all this, I am still trying to enjoy myself here in a new big city. I was also supposed to be here to enjoy myself and have a good break from my studies. I don’t want to waste my money flying all the way here, y’know. I’m living with these two 60-year olds that are family friends but whom I’ve never met before, so I’m really bored. I don’t want to waste my two weeks here doing nothing. I need to meet and interact with young people, and check out the nightlife. But, the only person I really want to meet isn’t answering my calls and smses. It’s painful.

So I guess I’m just another online friend, huh? I’m not only back to square one, I’m beyond it. It’s like the past months of knowing you and spending all the late nights with you have been an entire waste. Why?

Heartbroken,
The Girl.

April 25, 2006

Dear A.,

Since you didn’t show up I flew home today. I still don’t know why you did this to me. Goodbye.

I don’t know what to feel anymore,

The Girl. 

April 29, 2006

Dear A.,

The past few days have been rough and I feel foolish. Foolish for investing so much emotions in you and foolish for still hanging on to them. I just can’t forget this so soon. I just don’t understand why you refuse to talk to me or even give me a proper goodbye. Thanks for blocking me on msn. I found your new profile. You have new friends now. I wonder if you’ve blocked the other two girls you were close with too. I won’t add you anymore, because you obviously want a fresh start and if you wanted me in your list you would have searched for me and re-added me. It’s a little painful to know that you’re online now, but that you’re blocking me on msn so I can’t speak to you. I’ve been suffering from depression. I think I just need that last message from you – a personal one – to just tell me why you’re doing this and to say goodbye. I still feel like there’s this hanging discomfort and confusion around the situation. I need closure. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Knife-in-heart,

The Girl. 

4 Responses to “Get A Grip”

  1. Knife in Heart? I wanted to stick a knife in my eyes!

  2. Well said. Reading between the lines, I can’t help but wonder how much the guy led her on and how much was her mind out of control.

  3. It was pretty damned funny, but pi-tee-ful!

    What cracked me most was her talking about him saying he had a romantic disappointment that someone he was really into had turned obsessive, and it sounded like he was talking about HER. Sheesh. And you know what? Love sucks, anyway.
    Fuck love. Just fuck.

    The post of April 29 was never updated. I wonder if she ever found closure. Somehow I highly doubt it. But at least she did get fucked out of the deal. In more ways than one. – Pure Evyl

  4. I wonder if this girl has figured out that “A” is married. It’s painfully obvious to me that’s the whole enchilada in a taco shell. I mean, come on – think about it. And talk about obsesso-mode, this girl needs to take some self-esteem lessons.

    If you make yourself a doormat, people will step on you and wipe their dirty feet on you. It doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it doesn’t exonerate you for being an idiot either.

    Hopefully, she has taken up needlepoint or pot glazing – or some other hobby that doesn’t feed her neurosis.
    WC

    I am hoping that she has started taking her meds. – Pure Evyl

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