Theeory of Relativity Move Over

While researching facts for my soon to be released tragi-comedy concerning one mans’s heroic victory over traumatic masturbatory syndrome only to fall victim to a tragic cock ring implosion, I came across this website  and was astounded. According to these jack off experts, there is a scientific formula that tells us how often is normal for men to masturbate.


Okay, M stands for masturbation frequency and I stands for Weekly Intercourse frequency. Therefore, I am assuming that in order not to have to jerk off, a guy has to get laid four times a week, since these guys have discovered that one fuck equals two jerks. Although I have my doubts on the varacity of their figures, I must admit that they are the experts and this formula is probably based on normal people because some fucks are probably with three or four good jerks and some jerks aren’t worth half a fuck, and some fucks aren’t as good as a good jerk and some good jerks are worth a fuck and a half. I suppose the numbers could show anything at all as figures don’t lie but liers and fuckers do figure, and some jackoffs could fuck up a wet dream and throw the whole formula into total disarray.

Which leads me to the question. What the fuck was I talking about anyway?

8 Responses to “Theeory of Relativity Move Over”

  1. I was totally with you up until right after one fuck=2 jerks but then I got lost in all the fucking and really lost at the fuck and a half. Is the 1/2 part like pulling out before finishing to avoid impregnating? Did they use lab rabbits to get their formulation? Because if so, that’s not fair.

    I would consider half a fuck when only one person got their cookies. – Pure Evyl

  2. well for fucks sake evyl, now i’m as fucking confused as you 😯
    i may need therapy after trying to do the fucking math on this one….

    Know the name of any good therapists? – Pure Evyl

  3. What about blowjobs? They didn’t take those into account!!

    And they really should. – Pure Evyl

  4. WTF?
    I’m only supposed to get some four times a week? If I only get it four times a week I have to choke the chicken at least 8 times to make up the differance.
    The whole 2 for 1 thing seems a bit dubious. Cause if I lose one of those four I have to add at least another 6 to 8 jerkings. but if I get a fifth I only take off like four. So I believe its a sliding scale. If there is but one fuck a week then it is worth at least 20 or so spankings, but if you get it like once or more a day that the 2 for one thing may count.
    Know what I mean?

    Exactly, and I don’t know who that should scare more. – Pure Evyl

  5. *sigh* Double fuck, I’m lost. Completely lost. Does this study only pertain to men? Because I find myself wanking more than fucking most of the time because I’m left alone way too often and my mind wanders way too much and my hands roam too much which make my thighs shift and squeeze too much and that causes a friction of excitement with leads to .. Fuck, now I’m flustered. And excited.

    And now so am I. – Pure Evyl

  6. You were talking about your tragi-comedy about masturbation accidents with rings. I’m just as lost as the rest of them. 😆

    Somehow I can’t picture you lost. – Pure Evyl

  7. i think these guys should masterbate more often instead of coming up with stupid boring formulas.

    That has to be the wisest commentary on the subject that I ever have. – Pure Evyl

  8. That is a lot of fucking! And I’m not exactly sure what I just read… but, now I am craving beef jerky for some reason.

    (had some free time so I’m catching up 🙂 )

    It’s good to see someone want to hit the archives. And now I am craving beef jerky. It would go well with this bottle of Shiner Bock. – Evyl

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