My Favorite Inmate (So Far)

Yesterday was a sad day for me. I had to bid a fond farewell to one of my favorite inmates that had just chained out. He is a paranoid shizophrenic and I could always count on a great conversation about a multitude of subjects. One day it was my privalege to help one of the Correction Officers escort my favorite inmate to medical to see the psych doc. Entering the cell block, I looked in and saw a turd lying on the floor of his cell. I asked him what it was. He simple replied,’ A Turd.’ I then asked why he had stuck a Sweet and Low packet on it. He explained to me that he was an artist.

At Medical,  I heard him explain to the psych doc that he was eating his feces as a tribute to his family. After speaking to him for a while about his friend Rudolph Hess and how Edith Wharton had screwed him over in a bad drug deal, the doc seemed to grow bored and asked me to escort my favorite inmate back.

On the way back to his cell, my favorite inmate asked if he could get a haircut. I asked him if his hair was overtaking his scalp. He explained to me that he wanted it off because it was in all actuality not his hair but hair implanted into his scalp by aliens. I then inquired how the aliens were able to accomplish this feat. He told me that aliens had drugged him and then sewed the hair onto his head. I explained to him that I was under the impression that during the anal probing process, aliens injected growth hormones that generated alien hair, that wasn’t really hair at all but very thin tentacles that acted like antennae so that the aliens could use it as a tagging device in order to pick up a humans thought signals. My favorite inmate was speechless for the rest of the escort.

On the way back to my office, the officer told me that this escort was the only time that he had ever seen anyone render my favorite inmate speechless. He is now under the impression that I have one hell of a way with crazy people or that I am insane myself. After filling out some paperwork, I met up with the psych doc. After some idle conversation, he asked me about my favorite inmate. I explained to him that except for being crazier than a shithouse rat, he was a very compliant inmate, caused no trouble, and had an amazing knowledge on a variety of subjects. He asked what kind of knowledge. I told him to just think back on the discussion he had just had. From the look on his face, I knew that he did not have a damn clue as to what I meant. I explained to him who Rudolph Hess and Edith Wharton were and told him that invariably there were names dropped that I did not know. 

I have always heard that there is a very thin line between genius and insanity. My favorite inmate crossed that line long ago. I think that I will stay firmly put on this side.   

7 Responses to “My Favorite Inmate (So Far)”

  1. Rudolph and Edith, yes? Quite a combo there. I like your favorite inmate as well, if he speaks of those two people.

    I think Edith sold me a dime bag that was about a nickel short a few years ago. What a bitch. – Pure Evyl

  2. I think we’re all a little crazy, I mean we gotta be right?
    How else would we survive this head-fuck called life!

    Yes we are all a little crazy. But hopefully I won’t start urinating on my corn flakes due to the fact that the government is putting mind control drugs in milk. – Pure Evyl

  3. I guess he doesn’t know that Splenda is better for him?

    But the pink packages are so much prettier when making turd sailboats. – Pure Evyl

  4. he sounds totally freaking awesome!

    Yeah, he’s a laugh a minute. – Pure Evyl

  5. Sho nuff sounds like an interesting feller but I bet you meet lotsa interesting folks there. Criminals might do bad things but it dosn’t mean they’re bad people always eh?


    Not all. But enough of a percentage to say damn near all. After all not to many people are in prison for singing off key in the church choir. – Pure Evyl

  6. James Kirk once said “in an insane world, a sane person would be judged to be insane”.

    Excellent quote from one of the great philosiphizers of sci-fi. – Pure Evyl

  7. Imagine his answer to the question – if you could invite any 5 people to a dinner party, who would they be?

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