Why Bigfoot is Bullshit

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I was caught in tv hell the other day and wound up watching some bullshit Bigfoot show. The show featured some cubicle worker who fancied himself a Bigfoot hunter. He claimed that he had always been curious (he looked more bi-curious to me) about Bigfoot. His adventure took him to Bigfoot Central, which was actually BFE East Texas. Of course though he found a few tracks that he thought could have been Bigfoot, he didn’t see squat.

I could have saved him some trouble because I know without a doubt that there is no such a creature as Bigfoot. Bigfoot is always rumored to be in the most out of the way, backwoods, country fuck, locales in these United States. If any such creature popped his damn head out of the fucking brush, some redneck fuck would blast his ass with a hunting rifle, gut the damn thing out, drag him back home, barbecue his carcass, and make a damn warm throw rug out of his mangy hide.

So until I see a recipe book by a legitimate redneck entitled, ‘From Brisket to Butt-Roast: 101 Ways to Cook Up A Sasquatch’, I refuse to believe in Bigfoot.

5 Responses to “Why Bigfoot is Bullshit”

  1. The show I watched about 3 minutes of they actually did find “squat” but that, I’m guessing, was the highlite of the show, some goobers picking thuough scat in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night.
    And just so you’ll know, bigfoot actually did steal MY underpants thusly explaining the lang brown streaks in them (he was kind enough to return them but he didn’t think to wash them first…asshole).

    You sure it wasn’t a bear? Eventhough they are the advertising icon for Charmin, I just don’t trust a bear to wipe his ass in the woods. – Pure Evyl

  2. oh, i don’t know Evyl, i see some pretty hairy motherfuckers at the beach! I thought about spearing one, but didn’t want to take a chance. what my kids being with me and all.

    That and they are probably covered with sunscreen at the beach and everyone knows that Aloe makes a shitty marinade. – Pure Evyl

  3. i’ve seen a few that i thought could have been the missing link in my time, but bigfoot? these people need to get a grip…or perhaps the grip is too tight may be more to the point???

    ‘Zactly. BTW, I heard an Aussie refer to a phrase that I have not heard before, perhaps you could enlighten me as to it’s meaning. WTF is meant by ‘good onion.’ – Pure Evyl

  4. shit, i haven’t heard that in a hundred years! it means the same as a good old stick…it means they’re ok, they like whoever it is they’re referring to…top bloke, good guy, corker, dinky di…
    we have millions of them
    😉

    Cool, thanks. – Pure Evyl

  5. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    My favorite sasquatch theory is that they were the Giants referred to in assorted apocryphal bible-texts and married into human families to such a degree that nearly everyone’s a little bit Bigfoot these days.

    What an awesome concept and it really explains my in-laws. – Pure Evyl

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