Dear Evyl: Heartbroken In Boston

I relish my commitment to giving sage advice in this blog. I take it as a duty that when called upon to offer advise, I offer that advise with a deep and somber respect not to lead anyone astray. Perhaps that is why from time to time, my e-mail brings me requests to share my wisdom. Recently, a dear young reader asked me for just such advice. I now share with you this correspondence. I have changed the readers name to protect her identity. I am just a gentleman that way.

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Dearest Mr. Evyl,

I have been reading your blog for a long time. You seem so wise and worldly. I would like to see if you could help me with a problem. I am 19 years old and two months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 8 months and he was the very air that I breath. I thought that perhaps the best thing to do was to start dating again. This past month I have gone on fifteen dates with fifteen different guys. On most of the dates, I had to leave early and could not continue. None of them could make me forget how much I have lost when my boyfriend left.

Any help you could give me on getting over my boyfriend would mean the world to me.

Thanks, Lil’ Skank

Lil’ Skank,

Thanks so much for considering my advice. Being older and more experienced, I have gone through just such a problem myself many times. Since you have ended your dates early, you have not given yourself a fair chance in actually relating to a new man. My advice would be to get drunker than a fucking monkey and bang some lucky bastards lights out. If this doesn’t work, please let me know and I will provide you with a few more tips that just might work. Your future happiness is my only concern.

Sincerely, Evyl

Dearest Evyl,

I took your advice and drank a massive quantity of alcohol while out on a date with an older jazz musician. Although the sex was fairly passable, when he left, I couldn’t stop crying. And now I have a colossal hangover and the disgusting smell of Nivea Shaving cream all over my pillow. Please help me.

Desperately, Lil’ Skank

My heartbroken Lil’ Skank,

I am so sorry that I didn’t warn you about jazz musicians. They are a notoriously nefarious lot. If you have any strange bumps or lesions, painful urination, or a general buggy feeling down there, let me know and I can refer you to a good doctor.

It seems that booze and meaningless sex is not the answer for you. While this is somewhat unusual, it is not altogether hopeless.

What you are looking for is unconditional love. Not many men are willing to give this so in order to save you from becoming a crazy cat lady, I would suggest that you buy a dog.

Yours truly, Evyl

Dearest Evyl,

Thank you so much for your advice. I never knew the pleasure that having a pet that loves you unconditionally brings. Although when I am gone and he chews the furniture and pisses in my shoes, can be quite a bother. I have learned that every relationship has it’s problems and sometimes a good swift kick is all it takes to get it back on track.

Thanks ever so much, Lil’ Skank

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It does my heart good to be able to help a young woman forge her way to independence without becoming a crazy cat lady. Once again my job is done.

8 Responses to “Dear Evyl: Heartbroken In Boston”

  1. In all honesty, this scenario played out on an episode of Tyra, that I sat through the other day on my day off from work. But I did scream my advice to the tv screen. That should count for something. And BTW, in case any jazz musicians are offended by my portrayal of their sexual proclivities, I will admit that Nivea doesn’t really smell that bad. 😉

  2. you have provided a tremendous public service.

    Thank you.

    It does my heart proud to hear you say it. – Evyl

  3. wonder where our ~m was the night of that date???? does he do the jazz thing?? must ask him
    😆
    great advise, but for pity’s sake remember the jazz musicians next time..poor girl could have caught anything…..this is such a thoughtful service you provide, so next time i’m looking to get laid or need advise this is the first place i’m coming {so to speak!!!}

    I try to be a one stop info center. As for our fave jazz musician, we’ll have to ask him. I haven’t heard from him since posting this entry. But I know he can take a little kidding around. I’m just wondering how he will pay me back. – Evyl

  4. Proof positive that Evyl makes the world abetter place

    I do try. – Evyl

  5. Wow, such excellent, sound advice. I’m impressed.

    Thank you, thank you. – Evyl

  6. As a future cat lady I must say I am deeply, deeply offended. And buying a dog? That’s terrible advice and, frankly, I expected better from you!

    Obviously Lil’ Skank should have banged several lucky bastards until one of them started mooching money off her and hanging out on her couch without asking her. Voila, boyfriend! Duh.

    Don’t be such a dog hater, with a jar of peanut butter and a little training. The pooch could be just what the doctor ordered. – Evyl

  7. Oh, have to say, can’t wait for M.’s response. Like A-mum, I had the exact same thought….. gosh I’m getting to know you guys too well 😉 .
    Good advise Sir Evyl, I’ll might have to consult you myself one of these days….
    Have a great weekend. S.

    I can’t wait either. He has gone AWOL. Hopefully he will return sooner than I did. BTW, I am always available for private consultations. – Evyl

  8. I am surprised u didn’t tell her to get some peanut butter with the dog. I have heard plenty of stories of women with dogs and pb being happy without a man.

    Hells yeah. – Evyl

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