Evyl’s Tasteless Toons

I frequently talk about masturbation. Or at least I am always telling people to fuck themselves. It’s basically the same thing. At one time, I held the #5 spot on MSN Live Search on masturbation. This tasteless toon from April 29, 2007, is one of my favorite toon’s on the subject. When I went back and tried to see how far or up I have gone on the jack off list, I came across a Mormon site that attempts to help break people of their masturbation habits.

Some of the ways suggested:

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
  2. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
  3. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don’t masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don’t make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity – this one works quite well.

I think that I might give it a go. Looks like I am going to be taking cold showers, pissing a lot, and start donating two bucks to the United Way every month.

11 Responses to “Evyl’s Tasteless Toons”

  1. LOL so how is that going so far?

    Not worth a flying fuck yet. My balls are pruny from a cold shower, I have spent far too long with my dick in my hand pissing, and I still haven’t made a damn cent in my charity jar. But the month isn’t half over. Time is on my side. – Evyl

  2. I have received a total of one freakin’ vote by e-mail for a haiku rerun. Fuck You Haiku Twenty-Seven. Thanks, she who will remain anonymous.

  3. So Mormons want the door open while you piss and preen. Filthy fuckers; they want someone to peek on you while you’re cranking the kransky. Damn, kinky fuckers.

    I wonder if the Mormon sister-wives sleep together to keep them from masturbating? That is really kinky. – Evyl

  4. Can I vote for Fuck You Haiku Fifty Nine. Please.

    You most certainly can. And thanks for your vote. Haiku fifty-nine is a favorite of mine. So was the underwear that inspired that haiku. Sadly it was lost in the blackhole of the laundry. At least that is what my wife is claiming. – Evyl

  5. Don’t bogart the KY, dude . . .

    I would never do that. – Evyl

  6. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    They’ll get my masturbation when they pry it from my cold, dead, fingers! oooh, cold, dead fingers… Zombie Wank! I gotta go stick my hand in the freezer for a while now.

    before I do that, though, i gotta say, this whole not-masturbating thing sounds largely unhealthy. it could cause a blockage, or atrophy. Of course, you have a wife, so she may be able to intervene with appropriate treatments that would not be masturbatory since she’d be one the doing it. A confirmed bachelor such as myself, though, has no such luxury. It’s just like washing the dishes – if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.

    I’m with you. It’s just unhealthy to keep it all bottled in. – Evyl

  7. A DOLLAR EVERY TIME? I would be friggin broke for rewarding myself. Now if it were set up where someone else rewarded me, with like say a blowjob or something, I would probably never masturbate again…
    naw, thats a lie.

    There are two types of liers. Those that say they never have and those that say they have quit. – Evyl

  8. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    the reward system throws me off – even if you masturbated, you still would’ve spent that money on yourself anyway, so your prize for not masturbating is money you already had.

    it works better for quitting smoking, because then the money that is not spent on cigarettes becomes a sort of reward that can then be spent on something else.

    That’s true. I suppose in their zeal to stop masturbaters they are grasping at straws. – Evyl

  9. Oh dear. If I’d just read this BEFORE my shower this morning I might have avoided the nasty bump on my head I received when I damn near knocked myself out in a fit of … um… passion (with myself). Hehe.

    Just don’t let any Mormons find out how you did it. – Evyl

  10. Hmm .. I think I’ll stick to masturbating.
    I’m just so damn good at it.

    I’ve always been a big believer in sticking with what works. – Evyl

  11. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    if they’d just grasp at their own genitals, they could have fun AND keep their money that hey would’ve kept anyway!

    Good solution. – Evyl

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