The Fine Art Of Manscaping: A Primer For The Young Hairy Man

As men grow older, we all find that hair can pop up in the most unappealing and unhoped for places. To the best of my knowledge no one has attempted a total body grooming guide for the real man so I have took it upon myself to tackle the subject.
1. The noggin – Remember that there is no such thing as a good combover and a good rug is hard to find and damned expensive. Most rugs look as if you have a dead animal camped out on your fucking head. If you are balding you might as well shave the whole damn thing provided you have a good smooth noggin free of any scars, blemishes, or bumps. If you do wear a cap or let your bald spot shine on.
2. The eyebrows – Unless you are attempting a world record or have entered a drag queen Brooke Sheilds look alike contest trim your eyebrows before they start rubbing your sunglasses.
3. The nose – For god’s sake trim your nasty assed nosehairs before they merge with your moustache. That is some nasty-assed shit and no one needs to see that. Get one of those rotary cutters that you just stick in your nose and voila no hair. It works for your ears too.
4. Facial Hair – This is a personal preference issue. Clean shaven, bearded, or sporting a goatee is all good provided it is kept trim and neat. Long beards might work for ZZ Top and Santa Claus but not so much for the rest of us and Elvis sideburns are out of the question. And a soul patch? Get real, you don’t have that much soul. As an old sage told me long ago, “Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass”.
5. Chest Hair – Don’t worry about it. A lot of women dig it unless it grows so thick that it doubles for a turtleneck sweater. The only others shaving it are body builders, gays, or extremely pussy-whipped sissy boys. If you don’t fit in these four categories, forget about it.
6. Back hair – If you have a significant other have them shave it. It shows love on their part and an obscene amount of backhair is sick. If you have the bucks opt for lasar hair removal. Or you could always buy one of these gadgets.
7. Pubes – Trim if you want more trim. From your significant other to the skank on the street corner, they all will go down quicker if they don’t have to choke on two foot pubic hair.
8. Ass – Let it go wild. ‘Kiss my hairy ass’ sounds so much better than just ‘Kiss my ass.’
9. Legs – Unless you are an athlete needing taped or living on the pink side of life don’t worry about it. The exception that proves the rule are those with mermaids tattooed on their calves. No one wants to see a bearded fish woman.
Hopefully this guide will be helpful. Remember it is not a comprehensive map but only a starter guide. Try to remember that you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men. So get a beard trimmer and a nose hair clipper and embark on your way to avoid being mistaken for a Sasquatch.

I wrote this back in 2005, on another blog, and slightly modified it. So I suppose that I am plagiarizing myself. I hope I don’t sue.

15 Responses to “The Fine Art Of Manscaping: A Primer For The Young Hairy Man”

  1. You know where I stand with bald noggins.
    Goatees are okay, beards are not.
    Chest hair is sexy but I dont want to get lost in it . . I have a nipple fetish, so too much hair is bad.
    Even ass hair is okay ..
    But not nose .. or ear .. or wild eyebrows.
    You didnt mention pits .. men should not shave their pits. That’s just wrong.

    I did miss the pits. And you are right. Shaved pit hair in a man sets off a disturbing message. – Evyl

  2. And that picture made me gag.
    Job well done!

    Thanks, darlin’. – Evyl

  3. Red wouldn’t dig me, since I have a beard, even though I get it trimmed every two weeks by the lady that cuts my hair, so it never gets more than an 1/16 inch long(maybe not even that). And speaking of hair, about four months or so ago, I decided to go with the clippered look, and boy, is it a hell of a lot easier to care for. I shoulda done it a long time ago. And I am at that age where hair keeps appearing in strange places, so my grooming habits have altered greatly. OK, true confession time is over; I’m going to go shave my palms….

    But I love you man. – Evyl

  4. Shaven heads are sexy.. Vin diesel anyone?
    Hate chest hair.. a tiny bit is ok
    Back hair is gross especially if it starts on the neck
    Nose hair is ick too
    And ears.
    I dont even want to think about arse hair.

    I hope you dont sue yourself!!

    I hope so too. – Evyl

  5. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    and if your goal is to be mistaken for a Sasquatch, follow the sage advice of John Lennon in regards to your bodyhair and let it be. Go scare the shit out of some campers. give interviews to tabloid journalists.

    Sadly, there are way too many of just those sort of people around here. – Evyl

  6. I’m with you on the eyebrows but my ‘ol lady thinks they are sexy(?). I draw the line when they start poking mei the eye.

    The Andy Rooney look is not sexy for most women. I would keep the information about your wife from him. I recall hearing that he was a notorious Lothario. – Evyl

  7. Ugh. That picture = my worst nightmare. Thanks for that!

    I certainly don’t want to drape my naked body across a hairy carpeted chest. Gag. But neck, shoulder and back hair is the worst. And, come on, no one looks good with a hairy caterpillar crawling across their brow.

    I’m sorry after you mentioned draping your naked body, my mind has gone blank. I’ll get back to you later. – Evyl

  8. I LOVE body hair on a man, but i can live with a bald noggin so long as it’s shaved smooth…maybe not QUITE this much body hair, but I love it all the same….but hair on your face! YUCK…..may as well kiss a fucking billy goat!

    That is quite a bit of body hair. He’d make a good throw rug when he passes away. – Evyl

  9. The ass –let it go wild cracked me up. Have to agree. Let nature take its course in some areas…but the picture? FUCK. NO FUCKING WAY.

  10. Bruce, I dig ya.

    He is a sweetie ain’t he. – Evyl

  11. I agree with the pube area. But I think pubic hair on both sides of the fence should be illegal. But that’s just me. Pubic hair is stupid.

    I don’t know. I like a good landing strip. Points me in the right direction. – Evyl

  12. You nailed them all for me, Evyl. However on the back hair thing, my man has this little fuzzy spot on his back just below his collar that I just loooove to nuzzle when we’re spooning. I call it my sweet spot! MMMmmmmm…..

    Ahh, that’s sweet. A little sick maybe but nevertheless sweet. – Evyl

  13. Gebus wheezus, gettin’ it on with that critter would be bestiality.

    That’s fucking gross, but damn intriguing and I’m so directing my gals over here to check that out.

    Another fine offering, Evyl. You rock my world. *kiss*

    Luv ya, darlin’. And thanks for the props. I appreciate it. – Evyl

  14. Sheesh, and I thought my hubby was hirstute !!!!!

    Keep ya warm snuggling up to though. Always a flip side.

    Is this your offering for our hot hunk Thursday ??

    He is a sexy beast. Emphasis on the beast. Thanks for popping in. I appreciate it!!! – Evyl

  15. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    not quite, my good sir. they may LOOK the part of the noble Sasquatch, but they fail to master Bigfoot’s knack for being invisible until the scariest (or funniest) possible moment. They’re just all-hair all the time 24-7, no element of surprise or limiting their appearances to campgrounds and UFO hotspots, just lettin’ it all hang out (quite literally, I’m afraid) in line at the store, at stop lights, and every other mundane place you can think of.

    their lack of restraint cheapens and debases their Sasquatch ancestry. ,

    That and the high brow ridges give their ass away every fucking time. – Evyl

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: