Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Pictures In The Minds Eye

It is a modern problem: How to be a gentleman in a world filled with decadence and debauchery. Since I am well versed in all three subjects, from time to time, I am e-mailed for advice in just how that is accomplished. Today I will share one such e-mail in hopes that somewhere, somehow, someone may reap the rewards that modern gentlemanly behavior sows.

Dear Evyl, I love my girlfriend so why do other women pop into my head during sex?

Dear Mental Amateur Pornographer, Men are visual creatures. Other women popping up in your head is just your brains way of helping out your cojones. Unless you are calling out these other women’s name during the act then there is no problem. To avoid this ever happening, you must train yourself to never refer to a woman by their name during sex. If you never say a name then you will never use the wrong one. Instead use the term baby, honey, or ‘Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut’. The term used will depend on the mood during the act. Take your cues from your girlfriend and everything should work out for the best.

On another note, if you find yourself visualizing the crazy old cat-lady down the street during sex, you might have a problem. If that happens either go see a psych-doctor or bang the crazy old cat-lady and get it out of your system.  

17 Responses to “Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Pictures In The Minds Eye”

  1. If you haven’t entered the contest, WTF?

  2. i like ur style. commenting on your own posts and everything. good advice too.

    Thanks, I am all about style over substance. – Evyl

  3. *cough* Assuming, of course, that the crazy cat lady is interested in being banged. I mean, she’s crazy, so she might not be 😉

    Of course, the other option for such a dilemma might be – open your bloody eyes and look at the chick you’re sleeping with!

    That’s true. She is crazy but just one little stroke of her pussy (one of them at least) and she should purr like a kitten. – Evyl

  4. Reading this post and your answers to the comments above I almost heard you talk them both.

    Have a feeling an actual conversation with you would probably end up like the ones I have with this one friend of mine; fast, Freudian and funny (just more evyl probably 😉 ) .

    Nice post.

    Glad ya liked it. Perhaps one day I will get off my ass and start podcasting. Then you could really understand what a conversation with Evyl is like. – Evyl

  5. I am so not screaming out the Bunny’s name during sex. He is Sri Lankan, I would choke. You need a running leap and oxygen just to pronounce it.

    Babe works just fine. 🙂

    Babe does work good although I am usually called by a more Biblical name during sex. – Evyl

  6. I asked an ex of mine if he thought about other chicks during sex. I didnt talk to him for THREE DAYS…

    I just dont understand it..

    That’s harsh. – Evyl

  7. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    never had that happen to me. I’ve thought about books, I was reading, video games, what I wanted to eat afterwards…

    The old adage says that when you want to take your mind off the act in order to prolong the encounter to think of baseball stats. This wouldn’t work for some diehard stat fans. – Evyl

  8. Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut
    Works for me…need to go change my pants just reading it!!

    That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!!! – Evyl

  9. Sage advise – but what if he calls out one of the pets’ names?

    That’s just wrong. I can’t believe you said that. Perhaps I am starting to rub off on you a bit. Soon they might have a self-help group for that. Until then, I am loving it. – Evyl

  10. I second the “Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut”…

    Ohh, yeah, baby!!! – Evyl

  11. fuck the blogging thing, dude.
    Get your ass a TV show.
    Dr. Phil or Dr. Evyl.
    I know who I’d be watching while I buttered my popcorn . . .

    Phil is a rank fuckin’ amateur. People are sick and fuckin’ tired of all this touchy feely crap on these talk shows. Maybe I could do it.

    Naa, I’d just piss off the dipshit sponsors. – Evyl

  12. “oh you sweet fuckin’ slut”…I’ve been dreaming to hear that for far too long..*sigh*….I need to get a guy drunk ASAP…LOL…

    It is the stuff of dreams. – Evyl

  13. QueenBitch Says:

    I like dr phil. Its his guests i have issues with.

    I preferred Jerry Springer. He didn’t have any pretensions about his fucktarded guests. – Evyl

  14. I think of chicks all the time during sex. ..
    And I prefer whore over slut, thank you.

    Ohh yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout. – Evyl

  15. Hi Evyl,

    While your advice is wise, it doesn’t cover the unfortunate case of men who talk in their sleep. For that, one either has to remain focused enough to kick the “sweet fuckin’ slut” out before nodding off, or limit one’s choice of partners to girls who share a first name. The last name is obviously not a problem, since who remembers that anyway? Of course, it’s advisable, in the latter case, to choose a popular name so as to increase the field of play. There are, last I looked, several sites that will divulge the most common names in a given year and, for those that this concerns, they are a great source of useful information.

    the Grit

    There isn’t a lot you can do when you talk in your sleep. Perhaps one could use the multiple personality trick. Just explain that when you go to sleep, your mind is taken over by another personality, and the best way to deal with it is to wake you up with a quick blowjob and your usual personality will wake up. Don’t know if it would actually work. But I can’t see how it could hurt to try it.

    And thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it. – Evyl

  16. Hi Evyl,

    Sounds like a plan.

    I would have been by sooner, but Writer Chick took her sweet time mentioning your blog 😉

    the Grit

    Good to have ya here now. BTW, you should really enter the contest on Friday. – Evyl

  17. Hi Evyl,

    I’ll give it a shot, but I’ve never really been good with those sneaky little Jap poems. I like long, wordy poems that demonstrate I’m wealthy enough to afford all the words I want.

    the Grit

    The next one will not be a haiku. But it will be a good little test. – Evyl

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