Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Love Bites

Once again it is that time to reach into the old grab bag and pull out a message of one in need of advice. As Dr. Phil is busy with the multitude of fuckwits and assbags that parade through his live studio audience, I will once again put my best foot forward and help a fellow human being on their travels through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time so. Eh, oh let’s go crazy. Oops sorry somehow Prince popped into my head there for a minute. On with the question. And yes once again the name has been changed to protect the guilty and dimwitted.

Oh Wise and Wonderful Evyl,

My bff likes my bf and wont stop talking about him in front of me even though she sees the hikies he gives me! What do i do about both! Also my bf thinks my bff is not hot or anything like that should i tell her or not?

Signed, Confused and Confounded

Dear Confused and Confounded,

By the use of text-speak and the use and misspelling of the word ‘hickey’, I am guessing that you are either a pre-teen or have just entered the confusing period of life that I would label ‘The Dumbass Years.’ Yet there is hope for you since you have called upon someone who has lived through The Dumbass Years and gone on to graduate to the Crusty Mother-Fucker stage of life. Your question is in three parts so let me take them one at a time.

  1. Tell your bff to stfu. If she doesn’t stfu, then she isn’t really your bff. She is only an f’er.
  2. Don’t flaunt your hickeys. People will either be jealous that you are getting some or they will just think that it is nasty. If you really like them, then get them on a part of your body that isn’t noticeable, such as your cankles, or cover them up with a stylish scarf or makeup.
  3. It doesn’t really matter if your bf thinks that your bff is hot or not. An overwhelming percentage of bf’s do not really care if a bff is hot or not, if she is available and easy, he will do her. The best solution is to tell your bf that your bff has a rare but extremely virulent std. Explain to him that if he sticks any part of his body in any part of her body that his manhood will turn green and fall off.

I hope that this advice is of use to you. And good luck on getting through ‘The Dumbass Years.’

Yours Truly,

Evyl: Live Coach Extraordinaire

11 Responses to “Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Love Bites”

  1. You forgot #4. Tell your bff that if she doesn’t back the f*ck off on speaking that way about your bf that you’ll rip her face off and feed it to the jackals.
    Just a suggestion but it’s what I’d do. πŸ˜€

    Ouch, I’m glad that I haven’t been talking about your bf. πŸ˜‰ – Evyl

  2. Damn good advice.
    That’s why I always prefer hickies on the inner thigh.

    I was thinking that but I was trying to help a pre-teen for chrissakes. Do you realize how much I had to tone down my shit? The things I do to help humanity. πŸ˜‰ – Evyl

  3. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    “Rhizocephalans” are a species of parasite that infect the reproductive organs of crabs, so it’s a good word to work into that rare STD, implying that even the BFF’s crabs have crabs.
    also “She’s got a weird case of Crotch Rot, they have to fly specialsts in from Sweden.” is sufficiently vague and scary.

    “Vagina Dentata” is also scary, and real enough that if the BF looks it up, he’ll gladly keep a respectable distance away from the BFF.

    And Vagina Dentata sounds so cool. It could make a great name for a band. – Evyl

  4. #3 was right ON the money!

    ps….. go David Cook!!!

    and psps…..did that girl in prison really do the knife trick with her hands cuffed behind her?? I’ve been practicing & for some reason, I can’t master it. *sigh*

    Thanks on #3. I hope Cook takes it all. Listening to Simon gush about Archuleta makes me wonder if he is into man-boy love. And yep, she did it. Cool, huh? – Evyl

  5. Great advice. Where were you when I was a pre-teen and needed you?!

    I was busy banging your bff. πŸ˜‰ – Evyl

  6. LOL. Really enjoyed this and I wish I could have told my bff to stfu back when she tried to steal my bf away from me way back so long ago in my teen years. She did it behind my back though and I think I got the last laugh anyway when my bf realized his mistake and then I got my bf back AND her bf when he realized what was going on! (I kept hers and let the cheating jack@ss go.) πŸ˜‰

    I love doing these advice posts. I get to show my sensitive side. πŸ˜‰ And that is one hell of a story. I love to see what comes around going around. Mad props to you, darlin’. – Evyl

  7. Thanks Doktor Holocaust. I now wish I had gone into a nicer profession. *shudders* That semester of gynaecology is now screaming back into my memory, filling me with as much joy as a rampant dose of the dripping syph.

    Evyl, I do admire your sensitivity with the tormented teen. I would have told her to bitch slap the bff until her face bled out the back of her head.

    ‘The joy of dripping syph?’ You do know how to turn a man on. – Evyl

  8. I hope dear C & C knows how to take notes…….. lol

    One would hope. – Evyl

  9. You are a bad influence on me.
    I just said the sentence ” I’ve never been one for fish fingers” then proceeded to crack up laughing.
    i thought you should know.
    Good night.

    Sorry ’bout that. – Evyl

  10. i think they should all tangle together and let this shit work itself oiut.

    That would be entertaining. – Evyl

  11. As usual, sage advise.

    I try. – Evyl

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