Awesome?

Today in the office next to mine, between one very thin wall, permeating my brain, came forth the sounds of Contemporary Christian Music. Needless to say but my musical tastes differ greatly than the song stylings of Contemporary Christian Music. And after being bombarded by it for one afternoon, all I can say is What The Fuck?

I can remember going to church with my grandmother to the Church of Christ, sitting on a hard wooden pew. (I believe that one of the founding tenets of the Church of Christ is that the more uncomfortable your ass is then the easier the path to heaven.) Sitting there with my ass going numb the lilt of ‘Rock of Ages’, (No not the Def Leppard tune), spoke of high ideals of having sin washed away by water and blood.

But now the lyrics stay away from blood and sin and all the things that make religion an icky thing. It seems that Contemporary Christian Music believes that modern Christians shouldn’t debase themselves with blood and sin. That should be left to Alternative Rock. No, they sing how God is an Awesome God. As if The Bible should be rewritten in Valley Girl Speak. If they met up with the Old Testament God spewing fire and brimstone from a vengeful throne of judgement, they’d piss their damned pants and shit on themselves.

Perhaps instead of building great big crystal palaces to pray for great results from fucking botox shots or boob jobs, they should park their asses on a hard wooden seat, shut the fuck up, and get over it, or at least put on some damned headphones.

21 Responses to “Awesome?”

  1. Amen, Brother! Pansy-assed church-goers need a good ass-numbing now and then!
    Lord love a duck! 8)

    A good ass numbing is a good thing every now and again. – Evyl

  2. My ass goes numb every now and again in the back pew. That’s where my dad taught me to always sit – “Never sit any closer”

    Have you had the pleasure of listening to Christian rap? It’ll make your ears bleed.

    I haven’t had the displeasure of listening to Christian rap but I have had the strange sensation of Christian Metal. Strange that’s all I can say. – Evyl

  3. Red! Christian Rap is C-rap. It maketh my insides churn.

    I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not a Christian anymore… but give me a fine old serving of Latin Mass over this new “JC is ma homeboi” bullshit.

    Now I am waiting to see ‘JC is ma homeboi’ on a bumper sticker. – Evyl

  4. This ‘God all-matey’ movement sweeping churches has a lot to answer for……………

    ‘God All-Matey’ is one heck of a turn of phrase. I commend you on it. – Evyl

  5. I don’t know if I’m laughing more because I want to purchase one of these Valley Girl Bible translations, or because I have that damn Awesome God song playing in my head now!
    I don’t remember my ass going numb in church when I was a kid though. I think maybe that’s because I spent more time “going to the bathroom” than sitting in the pews…
    I would definitely advise leaving your co-worked an annonymous gift of headphones tomorrow morning. 🙂

    Believe me when I say that I do not foresee it happening again. I don’t wish to divulge details but just let me confirm that it ain’t happnin’ no more. – Evyl

  6. Oh. mah. Gah. They should rewrite the bible in valley girl! That’d be like, totally AWESOME!

    Yes, no bible bang’n music- that’d piss me off to no end.

    Truth. – Evyl

  7. I’ve spoken to many people thhat have traveled to Italy and say that they’re almost appalled at the amount of money the Catholic church actually has.
    The cathedrals, shrines and statues are so over the top that you have to wonder where thye got the money in the first place.
    And yeah, contemp Christian Rock seems to want to change the whole damn lexicon. I’ve heard some that I’ve liked very much but most off it is just crap, especially when the artist is addressing a specific topic. And yeah, they should definitely put on some headphones.
    I’m surprised you didn’t serve them a heapin’ plate of “shut the fuck up” . . .
    ~m

    I did manage to get my point across. And I was even somewhat tactful. 😉 – Evyl

  8. Grew up in the Church of Christ. I must beg to differ with you on one point. No amount of pain is intended to ease the path to heaven. Apparantly pain IS the path to heaven. You just can’t admit it hurts, otherwise your burden is too light. No pain no gain so to speak.

    It’s all a matter of semantics, as I see in their way of thinking that by making this world a pure fucking bitch it makes the happy hunting ground an even better thing. And thanks for dropping in and commenting. It’s always appreciated around here. – Evyl

  9. I’m not a religious man, by any stretch of the imagination, but one of the coolest songs I’ve ever heard is “Flood” by Jars of Clay, a Christian rock band. If you’ve seen the movie “Hard Rain”, with Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, and Minnie Driver, you’ve heard it(provided you stayed around for the closing credits).

    I’ll have to check that out as our musical tastes seem very similar. Off subject a bit, but what do you think of Disturbeds latest? – Evyl

  10. You don’t like the sounds of Heavenly Metal?

    I prefer my metal with all the sin intact. – Evyl

  11. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

    Don’t EVEN get me started on this! LOL

    Go ahead. Let ‘er rip. – Evyl

  12. I don’t think anyone should have to be forced to listen to someone else’s tastes in music (or religion) while at work. So I vote for earphones all around. Adding to what Michael said about the money the Catholic Church has – years ago, I started thinking about that and noticed there are tons of churches (not just Catholic or Christian, mind you) that are sitting on prime millions-of-dollars properties like on the lake or on the ocean, vineyard or farmlands. Why? I mean, you are supposedly there to worship, not to be enjoying the view. You don’t need prime property to worship. Of course I don’t think condos should be blocking the waterfront either (otherwise where the heck am I ever going to fit my private little cottage someday if I ever can afford it). Sheesh. Everybody always thinks it’s all about themselves. 😉

    The closet is one place that is suggested in the original manuscript. – Evyl

  13. The only thing that will make this here ass go numb is…ummm…let’s just say it’s safe to assume it won’t be a wooden church pew.

    Oh yeah, baby!!! – Evyl

  14. Doesn’t matter how much or little we suffer, we’re all going to heaven cos this is hell…
    As to the Catholic church, well you really have to wonder about the intentions of any religous organisation that is included in the top 10 richest corporations in the world…whatever happened to simplicity in worship? Why the hell does it require palaces?
    Going home now before I get up on my damned soap box….

    Go ahead and climb on up. I don’t mind a bit. – Evyl

  15. Hi e,

    Contemporary Christian music, much like our current political race, is a sign of the end of the world. Congress, if they had any balls, would immediately pass a law making it permissible to beat anyone either making that crap or playing it to death with a bronzed copy of the Koran, and that includes the idiots at my local cable TV station that sold enough commercials for one of those albums that they play at least once an hour on every damn station. Until then, you should nail some carpet on the wall between you and the religious fanatic to dampen the sound. Hang in there; it’s only 4 years and change before the end.

    the Grit

    Don’t need the carpet. I have taken care of the situation with my usual tact and conversational tactics. – Evyl

  16. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    Fear of the Almighty is the key element of my religion, because he is wrathful, surly, and has a sociopathic kindergartener’s sense of humor. don’t bother him, don’t pray (he might HEAR YOU, and then you’re really in for it!) just… follow the rules.

    and the closest we have to hymns are the rants of crazy paranoid UFO-cultists from Arkansas, supplemented with surf-rock played by angry aliens. (it’s a UFO sex cult parody religion that is also a real religion combining elements of backwoods tent-revival craziness, Zen riddles, and a fondness for the absurd)

    contemporary Christian music is pure lying-through-their-teeth advertising, kinda like an advert featuring people in Exxon uniforms planting trees and cleaning beaches.

    I have always had a soft spot for tent revivals. They have excellent chow at those shindigs. – Evyl

  17. Don’t get me started. Most churches are the most sanctimonious, hypocritical organisations in the world. Right up there with, if not worse, than corporate high flyers.

    I’m way too much of a cynic to be religious – I get enough “joy, joy, joy in my heart” when I get paid on Mondays, pissed occasionally or laid 😉

    Hells, yeah!!! – Evyl

  18. Michael’s right, the churches in Italy are totally ridiculous.
    Here here to this Evyl!

    Thanks, darlin’. – Evyl

  19. The only music I like from my Christian days is Amy Grant & just 1 of her CDs.

    What blows my mind the most about religious zealots is if they want the “valley girl” part, or are trying to recruit, they cherry pick from the New Testament. But if they want to justify war, killings, sufferings, etc. they cherry pick from the Old Testament. I can usually counter whatever verse they use, but it’s just not the time. Plus then I’d be forced to wear a scarlet letter on my head & that’s not cool.

    Truth. – Evyl

  20. oops, I screwed up a sentence, it should say:
    “I can usually counter whatever verse they use, but it’s just not worth the time.”

    So noted. – Evyl

  21. I was taught that music (unless it was a hymn) was from the Devil???
    Did you know if you spell Devil backwards it is Lived…I wonder if that means those who are devilish have lived???

    If so I enjoy Livin’ la vida loca. – Evyl

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