Evyl 101: Muffin Munching
There is a saying down South that states, ‘Show me a man that doesn’t eat his wife’s pussy and jack off his hunting dog and I’ll steal both of them.’ While I am not going into the subject of canine masturbation, I will vouch for the fact that a man who is not willing to munch a little rug on a regular basis is just asking for some limber tongued Lothario to swipe his main squeeze. So for all you dickbeaters, here are a few tricks of the trade.
- The one of a kind delicacy of snatch is an acquired taste, much like fine champagne, aged Scotch, or a good cigar. If at first the taste is not quite to your liking don’t give up at first lick. Just keep after it and remember the old adage of your mother, ‘There are starving people in China that would love to eat that. So clean your plate.’ There are also many edible jellies and other adult products that could help break you in. If it is still nasty to you, maybe your girlfriend just needs to wash that beaver.
- The old stand up routine of Sam Kinneson’s taught to use the alphabet, tracing the letters with your tongue. I was never sure what the fuck he meant. Should you use small letters or capital letters? Should you print or use cursive? He was never very plain on just how this should be accomplished. Therefore I went to the experts and learned a different technique. While gently massaging the love button with you fingers, use your tongue to circle around. Start with long slow circles and as the the circles get tighter increase the speed. Think of change of tempo, like Queen’s, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’
- Don’t forget to suck on the snatch. But don’t start out with it as this could be to much to handle at first and you might get bitch slapped across the forehead. The same goes for a sweet little love slap across the pussy.
- Another area that will deserve attention is the perineum, or the tain’t as it is commonly called. ( Tain’t pussy, tain’t asshole. ) Just a little bit of time spent in this no-man’s land can pay off massive dividends.
- Don’t be afraid to lick that asshole. Just as the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The path to the Hershey highway is paved with getting that pooter to pucker.
- Use the navigator. Every vagina is different. If a woman is too shy to tell you just where she needs her button pushed, just keep at it and read her body language and vocalizations. You will be able to tell if she is squirming in pleasure or laying there like a dead fish waiting for you to give up your piss poor attempt at rug munching.
These are just a few helpful pointers on your way to better rug munching. As they say on the Food Network, remember it’s ‘Good Eats!’