Evyl 101: Muffin Munching

There is a saying down South that states, ‘Show me a man that doesn’t eat his wife’s pussy and jack off his hunting dog and I’ll steal both of them.’ While I am not going into the subject of canine masturbation, I will vouch for the fact that a man who is not willing to munch a little rug on a regular basis is just asking for some limber tongued Lothario to swipe his main squeeze. So for all you dickbeaters, here are a few tricks of the trade.

  • The one of a kind delicacy of snatch is an acquired taste, much like fine champagne, aged Scotch, or a good cigar. If at first the taste is not quite to your liking don’t give up at first lick. Just keep after it and remember the old adage of your mother, ‘There are starving people in China that would love to eat that. So clean your plate.’ There are also many edible jellies and other adult products that could help break you in. If it is still nasty to you, maybe your girlfriend just needs to wash that beaver.
  • The old stand up routine of Sam Kinneson’s taught to use the alphabet, tracing the letters with your tongue. I was never sure what the fuck he meant. Should you use small letters or capital letters? Should you print or use cursive? He was never very plain on just how this should be accomplished. Therefore I went to the experts and learned a different technique. While gently massaging the love button with you fingers, use your tongue to circle around. Start with long slow circles and as the the circles get tighter increase the speed. Think of change of tempo, like Queen’s, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’
  • Don’t forget to suck on the snatch. But don’t start out with it as this could be to much to handle at first and you might get bitch slapped across the forehead. The same goes for a sweet little love slap across the pussy.
  • Another area that will deserve attention is the perineum, or the tain’t as it is commonly called. ( Tain’t pussy, tain’t asshole. ) Just a little bit of time spent in this no-man’s land can pay off massive dividends.
  • Don’t be afraid to lick that asshole. Just as the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The path to the Hershey highway is paved with getting that pooter to pucker.
  • Use the navigator. Every vagina is different. If a woman is too shy to tell you just where she needs her button pushed, just keep at it and read her body language and vocalizations. You will be able to tell if she is squirming in pleasure or laying there like a dead fish waiting for you to give up your piss poor attempt at rug munching.

These are just a few helpful pointers on your way to better rug munching. As they say on the Food Network, remember it’s ‘Good Eats!’

27 Responses to “Evyl 101: Muffin Munching”

  1. dontdatethatdude Says:

    This is excellent, finally someone has given instructions. I have been told about the alphabet thing and I think thats what “most” guys think you are supposed to do, boring, especially when you can feel them forming syllables, then it’s just stupid funny. And like every vagina, every girl is different, so I’ll thank you to steer clear of my asshole! 😉

    I aim to please. – Evyl

  2. I love you. Really, I do.

    And I love ya back, darlin’. I really do. – Evyl

  3. My. My.

    Mind is wondering a little now thanks to you…

    I think I speak for most women… when I say… thank you for this!

    Some very good tips here as well. ;)http://beersexsleep.wordpress.com/2008/05/

    Those were some good posts. – Evyl

  4. Can’t…type…now…have to go find Ol Man…I have something cookin for him 🙂

    Make sure and serve it up hot. 😉 – Evyl

  5. oh my.

    *fans herself*

    Glad that ya liked it. – Evyl

  6. Forgot to mention….

    Canine masturbation… eww.

    Zactly. – Evyl

  7. If only this was written with just the sheer pleasure of it in mind, maybe I’d be swooning too – methinks it’s mostly about getting her ‘ready’ for the male to jump in and have his pleasure? No? 😉

    Of course it is for the sheer pleasure of the woman but oral sex is like Chinese Food. It’s not really good until both get their cookies. – Evyl

  8. maybe I will highlight, copy and post on my blog and of course give kudos to you…. thank you… forget the alphabet….go for the ride and walk, lick, the trails…..

    Go ahead. I’m glad that you liked it. – Evyl

  9. Okay, so I just creamed myself reading that. Something about you writing it and mental pics . . yeah.

    Ohh, darlin’, you have made my day. – Evyl

  10. Great instructions. Now if the men will read them.
    Oh, BTW, thanks for the link love in your sidebar.
    Reciprocation is a wonderful thing my friend 😉

    I just love reciprocation. – Evyl

  11. Why am I always thinking about food. I thought this was going to be an instructional piece about cooking muffins like pumpkin ones or blueberry. You did mention the Food Network though. It sounds like Red had a good time reading it. Well, it was definitely an instructional piece. I’m sure your wife reaps the benefits of your superior knowledge of the subject matter.

    Why do you think she agreed to marry me? – Evyl

  12. Bettina stated it demurely with, “Oh my”

    Red said where all us girls were really at, “Okay, I just creamed myself reading that”

    Faaaaaaaaaaaaarkin’ Hell. I’m sweating.

    Need me to come over with a damp cloth? – Evyl

  13. But… I just have to ask (because I’m just that sort of girl)

    Why do the dogs get jacked off?

    Supposedly it keeps them from running off and chasing bitches in heat. – Evyl

  14. The one of a kind delicacy of snatch is an acquired taste, much like fine champagne, aged Scotch, or a good cigar.

    And as we all know, nothing goes together quite like snatch and cigars.


    Ain’t that the truth. – Evyl

  15. Oh, I forgot to say what it a pleasure it is to meet a fellow connoisseur of the cunny.

    Thanks, Smith. – Evyl

  16. Well this was an interesting topic of the day. Thanks for all the tips from down south

    You are welcome. – Evyl

  17. and all this time they been thinking it was the tomatoes, nobody aks if the sick ones been taint’in around licking poop chutes

    Oh now we know the Muffin Man,
    The Muffin Man,
    The Muffin Man.

    That could be. – Evyl

  18. when will you be going on tour???

    😉 – Evyl

  19. An acquired taste, huh? I just assumed that ALL men LOVED it. Ha.

    I’ve heard about the alphabet bit…silly waste of time…just get to the circles, boys…I’m just sayin’.

    Round and round it goes and where it stops, no one knows. – Evyl

  20. *every vagina is different

    Almost channeling Hemingway, dude . . . :mrgreen:

    I’ve always thought of myself more as a Faulkner. 😉 – Evyl

  21. let me add also
    the clitoris is a highly sensitive bundle of nervs. many women cannot handle an immediate barrage of sensations there so it is good to take your time and work up to it. lick around it awhile and then ever so litely move your tongue across it, just barely making contact.
    Also, many dumbwads just plunge there fingers as far in as they can into the vagina and start wiggling away, again showing no patience. spend time caressing the entrance, barely making penetration, moving in circular motions.
    alas, control speed. don’t get in a rush. slow movements can be very effective.

    Very good points. – Evyl

  22. i’ve read this 14 times! 14 fucking times!!!
    and thank god i had knickers on every time or i’d i’d still be stuck to the damned seat…

    Thanks darlin’. – Evyl

  23. Oops, I just slid off my chair…

    Thanks Tracey. I appreciate that. Wish I was there to break your fall. – Evyl
    PS – Thanks for dropping in.

  24. What’s the difference between parsley and pussy ?
    Most men don’t eat parsley 😛

    And that’s the truth. – Evyl

  25. Holy mother double fucking FUCK!

    (703) 987-50….

    You tempting vixen you. Love ya darlin. – Evyl

  26. ::frantically searches for archives::

    Is it obnoxious to e-mail this to a significan other ?

    Not at all. – Evyl

  27. You can skip the KY warming gel if you remember to consume a little pepper jelly or candied ginger before you start dressing down that vulva and clit. Don’t go overboard. No Texas Pete. Now I understand why Southern Belles Served Pepper Jelly during a social. Land Sakes!

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