Digging Up The Truth

Recent archaeological findings have found that Jesus’ first miracle of turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana was due to the fact that he was too loaded to go on a beer run.

13 Responses to “Digging Up The Truth”

  1. Heehee. Yeah, and then there was the part about how so much of the spirits were wasted on a bunch of swine who jumped over a cliff. I guess that must’ve been the good stuff. Anyway, wine was probably the right choice for a wedding. Beer cans don’t have that same musical quality when you tap them with your silverware to get the couple to kiss. 😉 I’ve tagged you for a meme if you are able to participate. But no pressure if you can’t. I’m just nosy and I fully admit it.

    But the plastic bottles make a nice thunk sound when you whack the wedding singer with one. – Evyl

  2. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    It is well documented that Jesus told people that if they ate of his body and drank of his blood, they would become immortal. Some theories use this to suggest that our Lord and Savior was a vampire, but it could just as easily (and more likely, given your evidence” that he was just supremely, Divinely drunk – that he was intoxicated not just to Keith Richards’ level of pickling (to facilitate rising from the dead) but to a degree that anyone sampling His bodily fluids would achieve Keith-Richards-esque levels of booze-induced immortality.

    and some scholars like to point out that Jesus was just a middle-eastern rewrite of Dionysus Zagreus, the back-from-the-dead half-mortal god of wine from Roman mythology.

    Divinely Drunk. Now there is a phrase that pays. – Evyl

  3. so the loaves and fishes thing was actually the post drinking binge snack?

    Even Jesus Got The Munchies. That would make a great title for a new flick. – Evyl

  4. I knew Hey-zoos was a PBR man.

    You better believe it. – Evyl

  5. I want to know what the dudes were smoking when they saw JC walk on water. Must have been some seriously juicy Bethlehem Buds.

    Bethlehem Buds would make a great name for a Christian Rock Band. – Evyl

  6. I don’t think corporate sponsorship was an issue back then.

    Probably not. – Evyl

  7. And, ugh, Pabst?
    Jesus wouldn’t have any part in that . . .
    Pete’s Wicked Ale, maybe

    I am thinking that when not enjoying a cold PBR, he might have been a M/D 20 20 man. – Evyl

  8. Well how else is he supposed to perform miracles. YOu know, basically speaking, mankind is pretty ugly until you get a nice rosy buzz on.
    Annie 🙂

    True. – Evyl

  9. I’ve always loved the fact that his first miracle was just to “keep the party going.” The church had to go and screw all that up with rules.

    That is the way of things and that is sad. – Evyl

  10. How could you guys badmouth Jesus like that?! And you’re doing it without me!

    I wouldn’t badmouth Jesus. Any dude that hangs around with whores and drunks and talks about love is fine with me. It’s some of his self-rightous followers that I have problems with. – Evyl

  11. Ummmm…I’m thinking JC’s beer of choice would have been Budweiser – “The King of Beers”

    You could very well be right. – Evyl

  12. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    it is indeed Christ’s fan-club that misrepresents him as some sort of rulebound spiritual accountant, tallying your every thought and deed on some sort of cosmic report card, when the documentation clearly shows that he’s more of a drinking partying freewheeling pervert with superpowers.

    the fan-club goes wrong in that they get overly hung up on the Old Testament, which is basically an abridged form of the Torah. I sometimes wish they’d either just convert to Judaism or mellow out.

    Truth. – Evyl

  13. Jesus, Evyl (no pun intended) I never thought I’d see the day when you would go all metaphysical on us. But since we’re on this subject, another interpretation of the Last Supper is that Jesus knew The Man was coming for him, so he did what any of us would do: he got drunk with his friends. Makes perfect sense to me.

    Jesus’ beer of choice? I nominate Corsendonk Monk Brown ale, naturally.


    Excellent choice. – Evyl

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