Jack Off #2

The other day, an officer was working at the post of Constant Observation Suicide Watch.  This officer is an older more matronly officer. You know the type. She is active in the church and the community. She is rather robust woman seemingly filled with energy if just a little prudish in nature.

This particular inmate was being housed in a medical holding cell. So the cell is just outside the nurses area which is a rather high traffic area with the comings and goings of the nursing staff, the inmates going to sick call, and the regular medical officer.

The officer was doing her usual conscientious job even though she was posted in what has to be one of the crappiest jobs on the facility. On Constant Observation Suicide Watch, you basically sit there for an entire shift looking at some douchebag that claims to be having suicidal thoughts (98 % of the time they are just some baby-crying sack of shit begging for attention) and logging down every five minutes what the hell they are doing.

At 1:40 PM, the Medical Officer radio’ed the shift supervisor to come to the Medical Department as soon as possible. When the shift supervisor arrived at the Medical Department, the Medical Officer reported that the inmate on Suicide Watch was masturbating. The Shift Supervisor went in and asked the inmate what the hell did was he thinking. Along with a few choice words and an explanation that if he absolutely needed to relieve himself that is what the shower is for.

The next day, I started investigating the incident as a Disciplinary Hearing would be held after the inmate was released from Suicide Watch. I looked at the Officers observation log. At 1:30 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:35 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:40 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating.

I called the matronly officer to my officer and asked her why she had logged the incident down three times and then the Medical Officer called for the Shift Supervisor. She told me that it wasn’t bothering her and she did not realize that it was breaking any rules to masturbate in a Suicide Watch Cell. She further stated that when the Medical Officer saw the inmate masturbating that the Medical Officer freaked out and then called the Shift Supervisor.

I explained to the officer that it was against policy for an inmate to masturbate in the view of anyone anywhere and next time to immediately call for the Shift Supervisor. She said, “Yes, Sir. I will. I just didn’t realize that but now I know. At least he wasn’t thinking of suicide while he was masturbating.”

It’s hard to beat logic like that.

21 Responses to “Jack Off #2”

  1. At least he wasn’t thinking about suicide while masturbating? Bahahahaha… for a matronly old girl, she’s got her thinking cap on.

    Nothing gets past her. – Evyl

  2. Oooo fuck, I’m first.

    I think Red has started a tradition. *flashes Evyl*

    It’s a tradition that I can certainly live with. – Evyl

  3. i hope the poor sack of shit was able to release the demons.

    *flashes anja*

    It’s a shame for him that he was interrupted. – Evyl

  4. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    she has a point – she’s on Suicide Watch duty. stare at the douchebag, stop him if he tries to kill himself.

    I wonder how many reports of “inmate had his head leaning against the wall and was masturbating” it would take to raise suspicion of an attempt to wank himself to death?

    I have always wondered why the call it ‘abusing yourself’. It has never felt like abuse to me. – Evyl

  5. “older more matronly””rather robust woman”

    It sounds like they should rearrange the words to be “Constant Observation Wanking Support” and they who sit and watch could be called “C.O.W.S.”

    moooooo

    Now that’s funny. – Evyl

  6. I’m trying to figure out what’s funnier……… the matron’s response or your commenters observations. lmao

    The comments are always the best part of a blog. – Evyl

  7. You’ve got some mad writing skillz Evyl! And yes, thank heavens this sack of shit was jerkn’ his gerkn’ instead of contemplating ending his life. BAHAHAHAH!

    Why thank you. You are far too kind. – Evyl

  8. hey Evyl
    good to see you back!
    Who gives a shit if they kill themself, it would save taxpayers money. Feed them pizza on Fridays, educate them, free TV, and give them free medical, put the tab on guys working and paying taxes who can’t afford the crap themselves. Call Dr K if you want to show a little mercy.
    Hell, feed em saltpeter, they should not even be able to wank!

    I think the sink has a leak again(wink-wink)

    I care deeply for their safety. Paperwork on death is a bitch. – Evyl

  9. I think you now hold a world record for the most times the word ‘masturbation’ has been used in a post.
    You deserve a medal, my friend
    ;mrgreen:
    Nice to see ya back, bud
    ~m

    It’s damned good to be back. As far as a medal, I’d rather have a cash prize. – Evyl

  10. good point.

    I thought you’d like it. – Evyl

  11. It’s possible he was using it as an intimidation tactic-too bad for him the “matronly officer” wasn’t intimidated.

    From what I’ve heard-mastabatory activities list high on a prison’s extracirruculars.

    What an inmate does in the privacy of their own showers is their own business in my mind. I just don’t think that it is a group or spectator sport. – Evyl

  12. Hi Evyl,

    The Matron was not necessarily correct. What, for instance, if the inmate was a necrophiliac, and the thought of soon becoming a corpse was turning him on?

    the Grit

    You might have a point there. – Evyl

  13. Nothing makes more sense than female logic, unless of course it’s letting them top themselves to save the tax payer some money…..

    True. – Evyl

  14. If you are in a good enough mind to whack it, you shouldn’t be on suicide watch……..Just my $.02……

    Maybe so. But it does show an unflappable character. – Evyl

  15. For someone looking for Nirvana he was just thinking laterally – with his dick, again 😛

    Yeppers. – Evyl

  16. All excellent responses. Ooo, while I’m at it…

    *flashes back at Red*

    Now that’s a response. – Evyl

  17. That was a priceless answer she had, intentional or not. LOL. Awesome story.

    Life is never boring around here. – Evyl

  18. Looool… u never disappoint me… your posts are brilliant…

    Thanks so much, I appreciate it. I have been reading your posts but you have had the comments stopped. I think you write some great stuff. – Evyl

  19. Logic does rule in this case. Gives her a break.

    She wasn’t reprimanded for it in any way. I just advised her a bit. – Evyl

  20. You she is right he was kind of euphoric for a few minutes. If he was playing with his junk, leaning against the wall, does that mean his hands were to occupied to commit suicide and wouldn’t that be a good thing.

    You know that is one thing that I do not miss about working in a jail is the nasty shit I would see on a daily basis

    And I consider the nasty shit the best part of the job. As long as it does not involve feces. – Evyl

  21. That is the best damn logic I’ve heard in years!

    She’s a regular Spock. – Evyl

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: