Archive for the Advice and Guidance Category

No Freak Of The Week

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Blog Babble with tags on June 26, 2008 by Pure Evyl

I am sorry to announce that Freak of the Week will be suspended for the next two weeks. I will be leaving on Sunday to attend classes to get a Jailers Training Certification. At the end, I will be certified to teach and train correctional officers. This means that from June 30th to July 3rd, I will be on hiatus. It is a small price to pay for the ability to train the many lessons that await future correctional officers. I wish to specialize in inter-personal communication (or how to cuss out a low life fucktard until he cries and pisses his pants.)

Words Of Wisdom Stolen From A Bathroom Wall

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Crazy Fuckers with tags , on May 28, 2008 by Pure Evyl

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Mens Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Love Bites

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Bullshit, Crazy Fuckers, For The Freaks with tags on May 20, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Once again it is that time to reach into the old grab bag and pull out a message of one in need of advice. As Dr. Phil is busy with the multitude of fuckwits and assbags that parade through his live studio audience, I will once again put my best foot forward and help a fellow human being on their travels through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time so. Eh, oh let’s go crazy. Oops sorry somehow Prince popped into my head there for a minute. On with the question. And yes once again the name has been changed to protect the guilty and dimwitted.

Oh Wise and Wonderful Evyl,

My bff likes my bf and wont stop talking about him in front of me even though she sees the hikies he gives me! What do i do about both! Also my bf thinks my bff is not hot or anything like that should i tell her or not?

Signed, Confused and Confounded

Dear Confused and Confounded,

By the use of text-speak and the use and misspelling of the word ‘hickey’, I am guessing that you are either a pre-teen or have just entered the confusing period of life that I would label ‘The Dumbass Years.’ Yet there is hope for you since you have called upon someone who has lived through The Dumbass Years and gone on to graduate to the Crusty Mother-Fucker stage of life. Your question is in three parts so let me take them one at a time.

  1. Tell your bff to stfu. If she doesn’t stfu, then she isn’t really your bff. She is only an f’er.
  2. Don’t flaunt your hickeys. People will either be jealous that you are getting some or they will just think that it is nasty. If you really like them, then get them on a part of your body that isn’t noticeable, such as your cankles, or cover them up with a stylish scarf or makeup.
  3. It doesn’t really matter if your bf thinks that your bff is hot or not. An overwhelming percentage of bf’s do not really care if a bff is hot or not, if she is available and easy, he will do her. The best solution is to tell your bf that your bff has a rare but extremely virulent std. Explain to him that if he sticks any part of his body in any part of her body that his manhood will turn green and fall off.

I hope that this advice is of use to you. And good luck on getting through ‘The Dumbass Years.’

Yours Truly,

Evyl: Live Coach Extraordinaire

Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Pictures In The Minds Eye

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Bullshit, Love, love and marraige with tags on May 10, 2008 by Pure Evyl

It is a modern problem: How to be a gentleman in a world filled with decadence and debauchery. Since I am well versed in all three subjects, from time to time, I am e-mailed for advice in just how that is accomplished. Today I will share one such e-mail in hopes that somewhere, somehow, someone may reap the rewards that modern gentlemanly behavior sows.

Dear Evyl, I love my girlfriend so why do other women pop into my head during sex?

Dear Mental Amateur Pornographer, Men are visual creatures. Other women popping up in your head is just your brains way of helping out your cojones. Unless you are calling out these other women’s name during the act then there is no problem. To avoid this ever happening, you must train yourself to never refer to a woman by their name during sex. If you never say a name then you will never use the wrong one. Instead use the term baby, honey, or ‘Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut’. The term used will depend on the mood during the act. Take your cues from your girlfriend and everything should work out for the best.

On another note, if you find yourself visualizing the crazy old cat-lady down the street during sex, you might have a problem. If that happens either go see a psych-doctor or bang the crazy old cat-lady and get it out of your system.  

The Fine Art Of Manscaping: A Primer For The Young Hairy Man

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Blog Babble, Bullshit with tags on April 29, 2008 by Pure Evyl

As men grow older, we all find that hair can pop up in the most unappealing and unhoped for places. To the best of my knowledge no one has attempted a total body grooming guide for the real man so I have took it upon myself to tackle the subject.
1. The noggin – Remember that there is no such thing as a good combover and a good rug is hard to find and damned expensive. Most rugs look as if you have a dead animal camped out on your fucking head. If you are balding you might as well shave the whole damn thing provided you have a good smooth noggin free of any scars, blemishes, or bumps. If you do wear a cap or let your bald spot shine on.
2. The eyebrows – Unless you are attempting a world record or have entered a drag queen Brooke Sheilds look alike contest trim your eyebrows before they start rubbing your sunglasses.
3. The nose – For god’s sake trim your nasty assed nosehairs before they merge with your moustache. That is some nasty-assed shit and no one needs to see that. Get one of those rotary cutters that you just stick in your nose and voila no hair. It works for your ears too.
4. Facial Hair – This is a personal preference issue. Clean shaven, bearded, or sporting a goatee is all good provided it is kept trim and neat. Long beards might work for ZZ Top and Santa Claus but not so much for the rest of us and Elvis sideburns are out of the question. And a soul patch? Get real, you don’t have that much soul. As an old sage told me long ago, “Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass”.
5. Chest Hair – Don’t worry about it. A lot of women dig it unless it grows so thick that it doubles for a turtleneck sweater. The only others shaving it are body builders, gays, or extremely pussy-whipped sissy boys. If you don’t fit in these four categories, forget about it.
6. Back hair – If you have a significant other have them shave it. It shows love on their part and an obscene amount of backhair is sick. If you have the bucks opt for lasar hair removal. Or you could always buy one of these gadgets.
7. Pubes – Trim if you want more trim. From your significant other to the skank on the street corner, they all will go down quicker if they don’t have to choke on two foot pubic hair.
8. Ass – Let it go wild. ‘Kiss my hairy ass’ sounds so much better than just ‘Kiss my ass.’
9. Legs – Unless you are an athlete needing taped or living on the pink side of life don’t worry about it. The exception that proves the rule are those with mermaids tattooed on their calves. No one wants to see a bearded fish woman.
Hopefully this guide will be helpful. Remember it is not a comprehensive map but only a starter guide. Try to remember that you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men. So get a beard trimmer and a nose hair clipper and embark on your way to avoid being mistaken for a Sasquatch.

I wrote this back in 2005, on another blog, and slightly modified it. So I suppose that I am plagiarizing myself. I hope I don’t sue.

Cocksucker

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, Happiness, personal thoughts, Prison with tags , , on April 22, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Today an inmate in the Disciplinary Segregation Tank, the hole, placed a sign on his window stating,’I am not gay anymore. I am not going to hell.’ Evidently this individual had been taking some grief from the other inmates in the adjacent cells for his very vocal affirmations of his homosexuality and was hoping to alleviate the harassment.

It fell upon me to go down to the hole and tell this inmate that it was against policy to hang signs or any other item that would obscure the vision of the Segregation Officer into the cell and advice him that he would receive another disciplinary write up if he were to put up another sign. He complied and said that he would not put up another sign in the future.

Now, I do not consider myself to be homophobic in the least nor do I claim any great knowledge of the workings of the human psyche but it is my opinion that this inmate is a classic self loather and just plain deceiving himself.

 In the first place I am of the opinion that once a guy has sucked a cock, he is a cocksucker. Plain and simple, one does not turn his gayness on and off. Much like an alcoholic, if a person is an alcoholic, they can recover and stay away from alcohol, but one drink could push them over the edge to revert to being a drunk or one cock could just push the ex-cocksucker into a full blown cock sucking ass bandit.

In the second place, my parents taught me that anything worth doing is worth doing well. Don’t ever do anything half-ass and if you do that then you can hold your head up high and be proud. My advice to this young man is don’t be a self-loather, if you are going to suck a cock be the best damned cocksucker that you can be. When someone else states, ‘That guy is a cocksucker’, the man standing next to him should be able to state, ‘Hell yeah, that motherfucker is the best goddamned cocksucker, I have ever seen. He could suck a fucking golf ball through fifty feet of motherfucking garden hose.’ Do what you love and love what you do, even if it’s sucking cock.

Strange Fact

Posted in Advice and Guidance, For The Freaks, Fun and Games, In The News, personal thoughts, Social and Politics with tags , , , on April 21, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Salt Lake City is the Number One consumer of Jell-O in the United States.

Personally this pisses me the fuck off. I mean haven’t the Mormons grabbed enough attention lately by splashing their polygamist lifestyle all over the news. Hell just down the road there is so much DNA testing going on, trying to figure out who’s the baby-daddy, that if I see anyone come near me with so much as a Q-Tip, I’m going to knock them the fuck out.

Therefore I am going to issue a nation-wide challenge. Every city, town, village, and hamlet is challenged to host a colossal Jell-O Wrestling competition. Surely someone somewhere can out Jell-O the Mormons if only for a day. And really wouldn’t a neighborhood Jell-O Wrestling night be good for better understanding and camaraderie. Come on people, It takes a village.

Evyl’s Tasteless Toons

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Tasteless Toons with tags , on April 14, 2008 by Pure Evyl

I frequently talk about masturbation. Or at least I am always telling people to fuck themselves. It’s basically the same thing. At one time, I held the #5 spot on MSN Live Search on masturbation. This tasteless toon from April 29, 2007, is one of my favorite toon’s on the subject. When I went back and tried to see how far or up I have gone on the jack off list, I came across a Mormon site that attempts to help break people of their masturbation habits.

Some of the ways suggested:

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom. During your bathroom and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open. Enough to keep from being totally alone, but still giving adequate privacy. Take cool, brief showers.
  2. Keep your bladder empty. Believe it or not, having a full bladder can cause you to feel sexually stimulated. As strange as it sounds you may find that going to the bathroom often makes it easier to refrain from masturbating.
  3. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A dollar in a jar for every day you don’t masturbate. At the end of the month you can buy something you like. If you don’t make it to the end of the month, donate the money in the jar to charity – this one works quite well.

I think that I might give it a go. Looks like I am going to be taking cold showers, pissing a lot, and start donating two bucks to the United Way every month.

Fuck You Haiku: Sixty-Four

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Crazy Fuckers, Evyl's Friends, Haikus, personal thoughts with tags , , , on April 8, 2008 by Pure Evyl

A Gift For The Holier Than Thou

It’s just what you need

Fill yourself with the spirit

Jesus up your ass.

I must give a big thanks to one of the newest bloggers on my blogroll for her great inspiration in this post. So thanks, Lakota for this post. You are truly an inspiration. I appreciate it.