Archive for the Crazy Fuckers Category

Fuck You Haiku: Ode To Grasshopper

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, famous people, Haikus, In The News, Tasteless Poetry with tags on June 13, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Some lessons cum hard

Choke your chicken not your neck

Goodbye Grasshopper

Aargh!!! Now Thar’s A Holiday

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, Holidays, Life's Questions with tags on April 13, 2009 by Pure Evyl

In light of recent events, I wonder if September 19 will be changed from International Talk Like A Pirate Day to International Moan, Bleed, Flop, and Die Like A Pirate Day?

Yabba Dabba Doo

Posted in Advertising, Crazy Fuckers, For The Freaks, Medical on April 6, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I saw a commercial recently for Flintstone Gummy Vitamins. It seems that they contain Choline which is a nutrient found in breast milk. I started laughing my ass off. My wife gave me one of her patented, ‘What the fuck is it now’, looks. I explained to her that it made me think of that old gum ‘Squirt’; that was the gum that had a liquid center that oozed out when you bit into it. I could picture in my mind some crumb-cruncher biting into a Flintstone Gummy Vitamin as breast milk exploded into their mouth. I also believe that if an actual breast milk filled vitamin came onto the market, pervs the world over would be a lot healthier.

Life’s Too Short

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Crazy Fuckers, Happiness, love and marraige on April 5, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I found out yesterday that one of my co-workers and his wife are involved in an alternate lifestyle. Frankly I was quite shocked. Not that they would want to be swingers but due to the fact that I think both of them are highly lucky that they found one person that would fuck them. It seems that finding someone else that would fuck either of them would be highly unlikely. I guess it proves what I always say, ‘It’s a sick world and I’m a Happy Man and Life’s too short too swing with ugly people.

Jack Off #2

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison on April 1, 2009 by Pure Evyl

The other day, an officer was working at the post of Constant Observation Suicide Watch.  This officer is an older more matronly officer. You know the type. She is active in the church and the community. She is rather robust woman seemingly filled with energy if just a little prudish in nature.

This particular inmate was being housed in a medical holding cell. So the cell is just outside the nurses area which is a rather high traffic area with the comings and goings of the nursing staff, the inmates going to sick call, and the regular medical officer.

The officer was doing her usual conscientious job even though she was posted in what has to be one of the crappiest jobs on the facility. On Constant Observation Suicide Watch, you basically sit there for an entire shift looking at some douchebag that claims to be having suicidal thoughts (98 % of the time they are just some baby-crying sack of shit begging for attention) and logging down every five minutes what the hell they are doing.

At 1:40 PM, the Medical Officer radio’ed the shift supervisor to come to the Medical Department as soon as possible. When the shift supervisor arrived at the Medical Department, the Medical Officer reported that the inmate on Suicide Watch was masturbating. The Shift Supervisor went in and asked the inmate what the hell did was he thinking. Along with a few choice words and an explanation that if he absolutely needed to relieve himself that is what the shower is for.

The next day, I started investigating the incident as a Disciplinary Hearing would be held after the inmate was released from Suicide Watch. I looked at the Officers observation log. At 1:30 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:35 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:40 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating.

I called the matronly officer to my officer and asked her why she had logged the incident down three times and then the Medical Officer called for the Shift Supervisor. She told me that it wasn’t bothering her and she did not realize that it was breaking any rules to masturbate in a Suicide Watch Cell. She further stated that when the Medical Officer saw the inmate masturbating that the Medical Officer freaked out and then called the Shift Supervisor.

I explained to the officer that it was against policy for an inmate to masturbate in the view of anyone anywhere and next time to immediately call for the Shift Supervisor. She said, “Yes, Sir. I will. I just didn’t realize that but now I know. At least he wasn’t thinking of suicide while he was masturbating.”

It’s hard to beat logic like that.

Just Doing My Part: Episode 777

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison with tags on February 16, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I received a request from an Inmate stating that he wished to talk to me regarding a problem that he was having with the Medical Department. Although the Medical Department is not under my jurisdiction, as a consummate professional concerned with the problems of all inmates at the facility, I gladly granted him an interview.

The offender informed me that he was having trouble getting the Medical Department to agree to give him a special diet tray. The offender appeared to me to be about 5′ 10″ and to weigh in the three hundred pound range. I told him what special diet needs did he require. The inmate stated that he wasn’t getting enough to eat and he needed an extra tray or at least an extra sandwich.

I welcomed him to ‘The Biggest Loser: The Prison Edition” and wished him good luck on being the biggest loser.

It’s so good to be of service to mankind.

Just Sayin’: Road Rage

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Bullshit, Crazy Fuckers, personal thoughts with tags on February 4, 2009 by Pure Evyl


I’m not admitting to severe Road Rage but I think that it would be a good idea to adopt the English way of putting the steering wheel on the right side of the car here in America¬† instead of the left side. It would make it so much more convenient to lean out the window and shoot some fucktard, that so richly deserved it, in the face with a pistol, bazooka, or weapon of choice for right handed drivers like myself. I’m just sayin’ that it would make it a lot safer than contorting your body to get a decent shot.

Heating Up Some Leftovers

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, Fun and Games, Re-Runs with tags on January 28, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I have been busy as hell so rather than pick through what’s left of my frazzled brain cells for a new post, I am going to take the lazy way out and foist out a re-post from my old blog and is actually one of my favorites. It is from the days before I worked in Corrections and became the humble lovable Evyl that I am now.


Forklift Rodeo

For those individuals not familiar with the sport of Forklift Rodeo which is much like bullriding, I will give a few particulars regarding the rules and practice of the sport. First the forks of a large industrial forklift are driven into two stalks of 8″ diameter polyethylene (plastic) pipe about 12′ in length. Secondly, the contestant/victim straddles the two stalks of pipe close to the end of the stalks. Thirdly, a nylon strap approximately 14′ in length is wound around the pipe much like a bullrope and is used to dally the hand the same as a bullrider. Then the forklift operator raises the forks so that the contestant/victim is about 3′ off the concrete floor so that the contestant/victim will not bang the ground with his feet, revs the engine and pops the clutch. This procedure causes the pipe to bounce wildly and gives the contestant/victim one hell of a ride, that most of the time causes him to crash to the concrete floor.

The sport of forklift rodeo had been practiced for a while at the plant but the shift I was on perfected the sport. This was due to the makeup of the people on the shift. First off there is The Supervisor (Known mostly for random acts of stupidity), there was also Bronco Billy, who was the supervisor’s faithful yes-man, J. D., an ex professional bullrider, whose claim to fame was that in the mid-80’s , he was the winner of the Hard Luck Award at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, and myself.

You might have actually seen J.D. on television. The footage of his award winning performance has been on more than one clip show, I saw one entitled “Dangerous Games People Play”. He made the full eight seconds but then got hung in the rope and was beat half to death. At times I wondered if he might have been stomped in the head a few too many times but I never doubted his courage. Every one of his stories ended up , “And that is when I ended up at the hospital in (insert name of city here).”

To give everyone a glimpse into the actual practice of the sport, I will relate a story of one event. We were training a new employee and The Supervisor and Bronco Billy convinced the newbie to try out forklift rodeo. J. D. helped dally him down and I took up a spot close enough to the action to innocently spectate but not close enough to actually be injured when the idiot came flying off. After the newbie was strapped in the supervisor took his position as the forklift operator, reved up the engine to a deafening roar, and popped the clutch. On the first bounce, the newbie bounced 10′ in the air and came crashing to the concrete floor. The supervisor and his faithful yes-man stared in horror at the prostrate body of the newbie wondering how they would get the supervisor’s ass out of this crack. I was actually trying to keep a straight face after I saw that he wasn’t dead, I can’t help it if for some perverse reason the pain of others amuses me. That is when J. D. walks over, turns his head and spits tobacco juice a polite distance from the newbies head, and says “Puss”. I did manage to get mostly out of earshot before busting a gut.

( No Idiots were seriously injured or fired during forklift rodeo. And all names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

I’ll Buy That For A Dollar

Posted in Blog Babble, Crazy Fuckers, For The Freaks, In The News, On The Net with tags on January 20, 2009 by Pure Evyl

It seems that a 22 year old hottie from Nevada has put her virginity up to the highest bidder. Fox News reports that the highest bid so far is 3.7 million dollars. I’m all for the free market system but I do think that this shows how screwed up things are. There is no fucking way that I am going to pay that kind of money to someone that doesn’t even know what the fuck she is doing.

I don’t know what piece of ass would be worth that much money for one roll in the hay but I guarenfuckintee that she better know the ropes well enough to get a merit badge in fucking.

Thanks Steve for making me aware of this news.