Archive for the Fun and Games Category

Heating Up Some Leftovers

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, Fun and Games, Re-Runs with tags on January 28, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I have been busy as hell so rather than pick through what’s left of my frazzled brain cells for a new post, I am going to take the lazy way out and foist out a re-post from my old blog and is actually one of my favorites. It is from the days before I worked in Corrections and became the humble lovable Evyl that I am now.

bettie-page-cowgirl

Forklift Rodeo

For those individuals not familiar with the sport of Forklift Rodeo which is much like bullriding, I will give a few particulars regarding the rules and practice of the sport. First the forks of a large industrial forklift are driven into two stalks of 8″ diameter polyethylene (plastic) pipe about 12′ in length. Secondly, the contestant/victim straddles the two stalks of pipe close to the end of the stalks. Thirdly, a nylon strap approximately 14′ in length is wound around the pipe much like a bullrope and is used to dally the hand the same as a bullrider. Then the forklift operator raises the forks so that the contestant/victim is about 3′ off the concrete floor so that the contestant/victim will not bang the ground with his feet, revs the engine and pops the clutch. This procedure causes the pipe to bounce wildly and gives the contestant/victim one hell of a ride, that most of the time causes him to crash to the concrete floor.

The sport of forklift rodeo had been practiced for a while at the plant but the shift I was on perfected the sport. This was due to the makeup of the people on the shift. First off there is The Supervisor (Known mostly for random acts of stupidity), there was also Bronco Billy, who was the supervisor’s faithful yes-man, J. D., an ex professional bullrider, whose claim to fame was that in the mid-80’s , he was the winner of the Hard Luck Award at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, and myself.

You might have actually seen J.D. on television. The footage of his award winning performance has been on more than one clip show, I saw one entitled “Dangerous Games People Play”. He made the full eight seconds but then got hung in the rope and was beat half to death. At times I wondered if he might have been stomped in the head a few too many times but I never doubted his courage. Every one of his stories ended up , “And that is when I ended up at the hospital in (insert name of city here).”

To give everyone a glimpse into the actual practice of the sport, I will relate a story of one event. We were training a new employee and The Supervisor and Bronco Billy convinced the newbie to try out forklift rodeo. J. D. helped dally him down and I took up a spot close enough to the action to innocently spectate but not close enough to actually be injured when the idiot came flying off. After the newbie was strapped in the supervisor took his position as the forklift operator, reved up the engine to a deafening roar, and popped the clutch. On the first bounce, the newbie bounced 10′ in the air and came crashing to the concrete floor. The supervisor and his faithful yes-man stared in horror at the prostrate body of the newbie wondering how they would get the supervisor’s ass out of this crack. I was actually trying to keep a straight face after I saw that he wasn’t dead, I can’t help it if for some perverse reason the pain of others amuses me. That is when J. D. walks over, turns his head and spits tobacco juice a polite distance from the newbies head, and says “Puss”. I did manage to get mostly out of earshot before busting a gut.

( No Idiots were seriously injured or fired during forklift rodeo. And all names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Freak Of The Week Winner: The Aditional Freak

Posted in Advertising, For The Freaks, Freaks and Friends, Fun and Games with tags on January 26, 2009 by Pure Evyl

The time has come to crown the Newest Freak of the Week. This week was particularly tough for the Freak Finding Panel of Judges but in the end there could be only one.  Here is this weeks winning entry.

Lots Of Love.com - “It wont matter that you have a small dick”

Lots Of Love.com - “It wont matter that you have a small dick”

Congratulations Java Queen for your winning entry. You are truly deserving. And a special thanks to everyone for playing along. Remember you are all winning freaks in my eyes.

Now what are you waiting for? Go and congratulate Java Queen for her great entry and don’t forget to check out my ode to the winner on the Freak of the Week page.

A special shout out to The Grit. One of the Judges wished to give you a special acknowledgement for your entry of, “When the loving is over, it doubles as a walk in closet.” We are still trying to get this judge from going into fits of uncontrollable giggling.

Freak Of The Week: Ading It Up

Posted in For The Freaks, Fun and Games with tags on January 22, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Yes my good freaks and friends, it is once again time for the most anticipated weekly contest in the entire blogosphere. It’s time to crown a new Freak of the Week. This week you are an advertising executive for the Evyl Advertising Agency. It is your job to create a tag-line for a new on-line dating service. The service is geared towards men seeking to hook up with large women. The name of the service is lotsoflovedotcom. The ad photo has been chosen and it is up to you to create the tag-line.

Here is the ad photo for you to work with.

fat_ass

Good luck and may the freakiest freak win!!!

Freak Of The Week Winner: Meet Me With Your Beer Goggles On

Posted in For The Freaks, Freaks and Friends, Fun and Games on January 19, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Once again The Freak Finding Panel of Judges had one motherfuckin’ hellacious time deciding on a winner. There were so many great entries and although many had winning parts to the entry, One entry reigned supreme. Here are the winning captions for each pic. And the winning Freak with the best overall entry will be crowned at the end.

Picture 1 – Murder Of Ravens

Jimmy is about to learn the hard way what it means to be someone’s bitch.

Jimmy is about to learn the hard way what it means to be someone’s bitch.

Picture 2 – Dok Holocaust

while Sally was mildly surprised to see that someone else had worn the same gown to the dinner party, she was greatly relieved to discover that they were forty years her senior.

while Sally was mildly surprised to see that someone else had worn the same gown to the dinner party, she was greatly relieved to discover that they were forty years her senior.

Picture 3 – Michael

“Shit my pants, tossed my cookies, suction-cupped my nasty beaver to the floor. My work is done here. Honey? Bring me the shoehorn . . . ”

“Shit my pants, tossed my cookies, suction-cupped my nasty beaver to the floor. My work is done here. Honey? Bring me the shoehorn . . . ”

And the drumroll please, the overall winner and this weeks Freak Of The Week…….Michael from Smoke and Mirrors. Michael has been a loyal Freak of the Week contestant. From the outset, he has been in the thick of the battle and this week, he finally he claimed victory.

My thanks to everyone that entered this week’s contest and a special hat’s off to Smith and Dok for their great entries but in the end there can be only one. Don’t forget to check my little ode to this weeks winner on the Freak of the Week page and please go and congratulate Michael on his long awaited victory.  And remember most importantly of all, you are all winning freaks in my eyes.

Freak Of The Week: Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beerholder

Posted in For The Freaks, Fun and Games on January 15, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Hell’s Yeah, freaks and friends it is once again time for the contest that has the entire blogosphere standing at attention. It is time to find the Freak of the Week. This week you have a series of three pictures to caption. The freak with the best combination of captions deemed the freakiest by the Freak Finding Panel of Judges will have a lifetime of notoriety as this weeks Freak of the Week. Good Luck and may the freak be with you.

Picture 1

stripper-muscles

Picture 2

nipple-ring-dress

Picture 3

drunk-girl

Freak Of The Week Winner: Fucked Up That Meme

Posted in For The Freaks, Freaks and Friends, Fun and Games with tags on January 12, 2009 by Pure Evyl

As always the Freak Finding Panel of Judges had one hell of a tough time picking the Freakiest Freak Of The Week. But in the end, the decision was made due to the entire panel’s wanting to see Keanu Reeves stabbed with a spork. Yes the Freak left standing was the lovely and talented MJ. Congrats MJ for your great entry. And whomp here it is.

Ronald Reagan’s corpse – because that would be awesome.
Keanu Reeves – because he’s a horrible actor, and I want to poke him to death with a spork. Then maybe he would show some emotion…
Harrison Ford – because I want to make sweet, sweet love to that hot, old man.

Musical guest:
The Dropkick Murphys, singing “Kiss Me, I’m Shit-faced”

Hopefully everyone can go and congratulate MJ at Note to Self on being this weeks Winning Freak. And while you are at it, you can catch my ode to the winner at the Freak of the Week page.

My thanks go out to all the entrants of this weeks contest and remember you are all winning freaks in my eyes. Better luck next week to one and all.

Freak Of The Week: Fuck Up A Meme

Posted in For The Freaks, Fun and Games with tags , on January 8, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Yes my dear freaks and friends, the holidays are fuckin’ history and that can only mean one thing; It’s time to bring on the Freaks. Do you have what it takes to be the first Freak of the Week chosen in 2009? Your assignment is to freak out a meme stolen from BE Earl. You are the host of the freakiest late night talk show in television history. Choose three guest stars and one musical guest for your freakiest show ever.

Good luck to all and may the freakiest freak win.

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On a side note, I hardly ever note when I do a post at Mantown as for the most part we have decided to post there anonymously but I just had to share this one with everyone.

Sorry Folks

Posted in Bullshit, For The Freaks, Fun and Games with tags on January 5, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I had planned on writing a post that would be the answer to all the worlds problems. I had foreseen this post to be filled with such meaning and clarity that all that read it would be filled with love and compassion. But then I spent about an hour and a half fucking off with this hipnotic time waster and then forget what the fuck that I was going to say.

Sorry about that.

Wouldn’t You Like To Be My Neighbor

Posted in Blog Babble, Bullshit, famous people, Fun and Games with tags on January 4, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Zillow Blog, a real estate company’s blog, recently conducted a poll on who would make the worst and best celebrity neighbors. Sarah Palin was voted the most desired celebrity neighbor while Britney Spears was voted the least favorite.

I really can’t agree with those findings. So, I thought that I would do a little informal poll of my own. Here’s a short list of some celebrities, just pick the celebrity that you would most like to have as your neighbor.