Archive for the love and marraige Category

Evyl 101: Gay Marraige

Posted in Evyl 101, love and marraige, personal thoughts with tags on August 10, 2008 by Pure Evyl

During a gay male wedding, how do they decide who in the fuck throws the bouquet? Unless one of them is wearing a dress it must be a tough decision. Flipping for it is so boring, I would suggest a speed masturbation contest. The first one to spew cum gets to chunk the mum.

Evyl 101: Blowjobs

Posted in Evyl 101, love and marraige, personal thoughts with tags on July 16, 2008 by Pure Evyl

The important thing to remember is that the cock is not just a simple hard shaft. It is a precious gift that a man is willing to share with a multitude of lucky women. So don’t just put on maximum suction and start bobbing up and down like your face was some kind of pogo stick.

First tease the cock. Kiss it. Lick it. Stroke it lovingly. Fondle his nutsack, kneading it softly but for Christ’s sake don’t use your nails. A nutsack is a sensitive marvel of evolution and must be handled with supreme adulation.

While some are proponents of the Deep Throat procedure, I am realistic. I realize that not every woman will be able to choke down a massive kielbasa. It is perfectly acceptable to suck on the head while stroking the cock firmly. Just remember to set a rhythm and keep it up. Remember that it is about enjoyment not about discomfort.

With comfort in mind, it is not important whether you are down on your knees or lieing down with your head on the crotch. As long as you are comfortable for the long haul, it will be all good.

I will not here advocate pulling your teeth and installing dentures in order to please a man but I must state that it is very important to keep your teeth out of the picture when giving a hummer. Teeth are the enemy. A tooth down the prick is like nails down a chalkboard to a man. It is a total buzzkill.

Remember it is not practice that makes perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. Follow these instructions and any advice given during the act and everything will turn out right. I have but a couple of more tips and this is concerning what to do now that you have accomplished your goal and now are a proud recipient of a mouthful of cum.

A mouthful of cum is the gift that a man has given you for a job well done. Do not under any circumstance spit it out and disrespect him like that. Cum is low caloric and packed with healthy vitamins and proteins. Wallow it around in your mouth, blow bubbles, stretch it out with your tongue. It is perfectly acceptable to play with your food and then swallow.

And take this tip; Sharing is not acceptable. It should be ingrained in your psyche to love the taste of cum, even if it is latent and may need a little coaxing. It is not ingrained in a man to like it. It is an aberration and a gross one at that for a man to want a snowball. So after you swallow it down with a smile, do not ask a man for a kiss until after you have brushed your teeth or sucked down a cold beer or a shot of Jack Daniels to kill any lingering aftertaste that can be passed to a man.

Thank you and Happy Cock Sucking!!!

Evyl 101: Muffin Munching

Posted in Evyl 101, love and marraige, personal thoughts with tags on July 7, 2008 by Pure Evyl

There is a saying down South that states, ‘Show me a man that doesn’t eat his wife’s pussy and jack off his hunting dog and I’ll steal both of them.’ While I am not going into the subject of canine masturbation, I will vouch for the fact that a man who is not willing to munch a little rug on a regular basis is just asking for some limber tongued Lothario to swipe his main squeeze. So for all you dickbeaters, here are a few tricks of the trade.

  • The one of a kind delicacy of snatch is an acquired taste, much like fine champagne, aged Scotch, or a good cigar. If at first the taste is not quite to your liking don’t give up at first lick. Just keep after it and remember the old adage of your mother, ‘There are starving people in China that would love to eat that. So clean your plate.’ There are also many edible jellies and other adult products that could help break you in. If it is still nasty to you, maybe your girlfriend just needs to wash that beaver.
  • The old stand up routine of Sam Kinneson’s taught to use the alphabet, tracing the letters with your tongue. I was never sure what the fuck he meant. Should you use small letters or capital letters? Should you print or use cursive? He was never very plain on just how this should be accomplished. Therefore I went to the experts and learned a different technique. While gently massaging the love button with you fingers, use your tongue to circle around. Start with long slow circles and as the the circles get tighter increase the speed. Think of change of tempo, like Queen’s, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’
  • Don’t forget to suck on the snatch. But don’t start out with it as this could be to much to handle at first and you might get bitch slapped across the forehead. The same goes for a sweet little love slap across the pussy.
  • Another area that will deserve attention is the perineum, or the tain’t as it is commonly called. ( Tain’t pussy, tain’t asshole. ) Just a little bit of time spent in this no-man’s land can pay off massive dividends.
  • Don’t be afraid to lick that asshole. Just as the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The path to the Hershey highway is paved with getting that pooter to pucker.
  • Use the navigator. Every vagina is different. If a woman is too shy to tell you just where she needs her button pushed, just keep at it and read her body language and vocalizations. You will be able to tell if she is squirming in pleasure or laying there like a dead fish waiting for you to give up your piss poor attempt at rug munching.

These are just a few helpful pointers on your way to better rug munching. As they say on the Food Network, remember it’s ‘Good Eats!’

Evyl 101: Marraige

Posted in Evyl 101, love and marraige, personal thoughts with tags on July 6, 2008 by Pure Evyl

The reason that so many marriages end up in divorce is due to people mistakenly thinking that happiness is a right and everyone should be happy all the fucking time. People just have too low of a misery threshold. Past Generations realized that life is mostly a fucked up piece of shit interspersed with moments of joy. They knew that life’s a bitch and no one gets out alive.

I plan on staying married until the day my wife kills me. My misery threshold is through the fucking roof. I will keep on testing her’s. It is one of the small joys in my life.

Saturday Night Special: From The Dark Side

Posted in For The Freaks, love and marraige, Tasteless Poetry with tags on June 21, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Cold Beer And Stale Cigarettes 

Spread your legs and lie to me

Moan as I suck your clit

Gasp as I thrust a finger up your ass

Scratch a bloody trail down my back

 Straddle my cock and lie to me

Tell me that you can’t handle it

Tell me that it’s too big

Inflate my ego until it bursts

 Suck my cock and lie to me

Make a gagging sound

Lying as you hum with every stroke

Swallow saying you love the taste

 Lie to me and tell me that you love me

Cuddle up close tell me you never had it so good

Lie to me and fall asleep in my arms

I can live with a lie.

Fuckin’ Up Another Meme: Six Little Words

Posted in Blog Babble, Evyl's Friends, For The Freaks, Fucking Tags, Fun and Games, gifs, love and marraige, Tasteless Toons, Theme Music, Twisted Video with tags on June 20, 2008 by Pure Evyl

That sweet little sadist Anja has tagged me once more with the Six Word Memoir Meme and I am supposed to link here since that’s where it started. Okay here it goes in five pics and a vid.

 

Born

Childhood

Teen Years

Twenties

Marriage

Near Future (Waiting To Die As A Grizzled Wal-Mart Greeter)

And now to tag somebody. Hey ~m, this looks right up your alley.

Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Pictures In The Minds Eye

Posted in Advice and Guidance, Bullshit, Love, love and marraige with tags on May 10, 2008 by Pure Evyl

It is a modern problem: How to be a gentleman in a world filled with decadence and debauchery. Since I am well versed in all three subjects, from time to time, I am e-mailed for advice in just how that is accomplished. Today I will share one such e-mail in hopes that somewhere, somehow, someone may reap the rewards that modern gentlemanly behavior sows.

Dear Evyl, I love my girlfriend so why do other women pop into my head during sex?

Dear Mental Amateur Pornographer, Men are visual creatures. Other women popping up in your head is just your brains way of helping out your cojones. Unless you are calling out these other women’s name during the act then there is no problem. To avoid this ever happening, you must train yourself to never refer to a woman by their name during sex. If you never say a name then you will never use the wrong one. Instead use the term baby, honey, or ‘Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut’. The term used will depend on the mood during the act. Take your cues from your girlfriend and everything should work out for the best.

On another note, if you find yourself visualizing the crazy old cat-lady down the street during sex, you might have a problem. If that happens either go see a psych-doctor or bang the crazy old cat-lady and get it out of your system.  

Fuck You Haiku: Sixty-Six

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, For The Freaks, Haikus, Happiness, love and marraige with tags , on April 28, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Buy One Get One Free

Start the wedded bliss

With a simple bridesmaid kiss

Honeymoon for three.

Thanks to the idea expressed by Queen Bitch that this is actually a lesbian wedding and we are looking at the lesbian bridal party, I have come up with an alternate haiku. Eventhough I still have my doubts. Aren’t the wedded couple always the center of a bridal picture?

Odd Man Out

Stuck in the friend zone

Can’t even bag a bridesmaid

Hit the open bar.

Evyl On Marraige

Posted in Happiness, love and marraige with tags , on April 14, 2008 by Pure Evyl

On September 26, 2006, I posted a little bit of marital advice that still rings true in my ears. Click here and I will wait until you get back.

As you can tell I am still alive so I must be doing something right.

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On a side note, I will be splooging out the Fuck You Haiku of the week on Friday. I cannot accurately judge my favorite haiku as they are all equally twisted in my eyes. So I need every-ones help. I will take votes all week and will post the biggest vote getter. So for all of those that stop by but can’t find anything to say, check out the haikus and Vote.