Archive for the On the Job Category

Some Folks Just Don’t Get It.

Posted in Fun and Games, Life's Questions, On the Job, personal thoughts with tags on June 11, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Today, a female co-worker, who has an intense love of cats but not a firm grasp of humor, told me that she had some kittens to give away and if I liked cats. I told her that a generally don’t like cats. The meat is a little too lean and has a tendency to be dry. She gave me a horrified look and skedaddled into the sunset.

I didn’t even get the chance to tell her that although this is generally true, if you prep it right and get it to just the right temperature, pussy is some mighty tasty eating. But then again I might have got into some real trouble over that line.

Point of Order: #69

Posted in crime and punishment, Life's Questions, Love, On the Job, Prison with tags on June 4, 2009 by Pure Evyl

If a male inmate is caught having sex with a female officer in a walk-in freezer can the inmate be charged with assault?

After all, he cold-cocked the bitch.

Jack Off #2

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison on April 1, 2009 by Pure Evyl

The other day, an officer was working at the post of Constant Observation Suicide Watch.  This officer is an older more matronly officer. You know the type. She is active in the church and the community. She is rather robust woman seemingly filled with energy if just a little prudish in nature.

This particular inmate was being housed in a medical holding cell. So the cell is just outside the nurses area which is a rather high traffic area with the comings and goings of the nursing staff, the inmates going to sick call, and the regular medical officer.

The officer was doing her usual conscientious job even though she was posted in what has to be one of the crappiest jobs on the facility. On Constant Observation Suicide Watch, you basically sit there for an entire shift looking at some douchebag that claims to be having suicidal thoughts (98 % of the time they are just some baby-crying sack of shit begging for attention) and logging down every five minutes what the hell they are doing.

At 1:40 PM, the Medical Officer radio’ed the shift supervisor to come to the Medical Department as soon as possible. When the shift supervisor arrived at the Medical Department, the Medical Officer reported that the inmate on Suicide Watch was masturbating. The Shift Supervisor went in and asked the inmate what the hell did was he thinking. Along with a few choice words and an explanation that if he absolutely needed to relieve himself that is what the shower is for.

The next day, I started investigating the incident as a Disciplinary Hearing would be held after the inmate was released from Suicide Watch. I looked at the Officers observation log. At 1:30 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:35 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:40 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating.

I called the matronly officer to my officer and asked her why she had logged the incident down three times and then the Medical Officer called for the Shift Supervisor. She told me that it wasn’t bothering her and she did not realize that it was breaking any rules to masturbate in a Suicide Watch Cell. She further stated that when the Medical Officer saw the inmate masturbating that the Medical Officer freaked out and then called the Shift Supervisor.

I explained to the officer that it was against policy for an inmate to masturbate in the view of anyone anywhere and next time to immediately call for the Shift Supervisor. She said, “Yes, Sir. I will. I just didn’t realize that but now I know. At least he wasn’t thinking of suicide while he was masturbating.”

It’s hard to beat logic like that.

Jack Off #1

Posted in crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison on March 31, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Not long ago, I was running a Disciplinary Hearing on an Inmate. The charge was Sexual Misconduct. I brought the inmate in and read the officers charge. The officer stated that this inmate was walking by the bars with his hands down his pants. His pants were moving in an up and down motion in the crotch area. It was the officers opinion that the inmate was masturbating.

I asked the inmate if he wished to plead guilty or not guilty. The inmate plead not guilty. I then asked him to explain his side of the story. The inmate stated that yes he did have his hands down his pants but stated that it was just a habit and he was not masturbating. He also named a witness that could testify to the fact that he was not masturbating.

I took the name of the potential witness and went to go question him. I wasn’t looking forward to it. It seems to me that every inmate witness that I have ever questioned always gives the same bullshit story. It’s always some bullshit about how this inmate is a saved man and would never perpetrate any type of disorderly behavior. But as the officer had also listed an inmate witness, I went out to do my duty.

First I pulled out the witness listed by the officer. This inmate stated that he had seen the charged inmate walking by the bars but could not really tell if he was masturbating. Next I pulled out the witness called for by the inmate at the hearing. The witness was an elderly black man. I told him that I was running a Disciplinary Hearing and the inmate said that he could tell me that he was not masturbating. The elderly black inmate asked the charged inmate’s name again and I told him.

He stated, “That nasty assed motherfucker. I won’t even let that motherfucker sit on my bed. He’s always walking around scratchin’ on his damned balls. That burned out crackhead doesn’t even remember what his junk is for anymore. He wasn’t jacking off. He’s just a nasty assed motherfucker.”

I went back to the Hearing and told the charged inmate that he had the best damned witness that I have ever seen. I informed him that although I found him not guilty that he had better get over his nasty habit and keep his hands out of his pants. Next time he might get more than a couple of days in the hole waiting for a hearing or a few more days in the hole for being found guilty. I explained that next time some inmate would get tired of watching him walking around scratching his balls and beat the living shit out of his dumb ass.

Ahhh, it’s days like this that I live for.

Just Doing My Part: Episode 777

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison with tags on February 16, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I received a request from an Inmate stating that he wished to talk to me regarding a problem that he was having with the Medical Department. Although the Medical Department is not under my jurisdiction, as a consummate professional concerned with the problems of all inmates at the facility, I gladly granted him an interview.

The offender informed me that he was having trouble getting the Medical Department to agree to give him a special diet tray. The offender appeared to me to be about 5′ 10″ and to weigh in the three hundred pound range. I told him what special diet needs did he require. The inmate stated that he wasn’t getting enough to eat and he needed an extra tray or at least an extra sandwich.

I welcomed him to ‘The Biggest Loser: The Prison Edition” and wished him good luck on being the biggest loser.

It’s so good to be of service to mankind.