WTF News

I was reading where Madonna has been swapping spit with a 20 year old Brazilian model by the name of Jesus. Well at least he is young enough to be her son. Can’t say much about any other comparisons because just singing like a virgin ain’t gonna cut it.

Like A Prayer? More Like A Runaway Cougar.

I’ve noticed that President Elect Obama’s shirtless Hawaii pics are all over the freakin’ web. I have seen the headlines read everything from ‘Whoa Bama’, to ‘The Most Buff President Ever.’ I just don’t know if I want a President known for being the most buff President ever. I’d rather have one known for being competent.  But after looking at the pic, I couldn’t help but notice why all the female voters have been oohing and aahing. Presidential Mooseknuckle; Now there’s an election technique that you don’t see everyday.

Presidential Mooseknuckle

All in all these stories left me disgusted but then I came across some entertainment news to put a smile on my face. It seems that Ashley Simpson’s babydaddy is giving reviews on the taste of her breast milk.

I Am So Glad That I Am Not Lactose Intolerant

Famous Asshole Quotes: Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

Greed Is Good?

From the movie ‘Wall Street’

Bud: How much is enough?
Gekko: It’s not a question of enough, pal. It’s a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn’t lost or made, it’s simply transferred from one perception to another.

Racial Balance

Something has been brewing since early this election month that has brought forth a lot of racial division in this country.

Aunt Jemima Pancake Syrup

 Or

Mrs. Butterworth

 Fuck It!!! I am going to start using Log Cabin Brand Syrup and stay the fuck out of this mess.

Pre-Election Day Post

For the most part, I stay out of politics around here. I will make the occasional political comment on blogs that blog things political but here is generally not the place for that kind of horseshit. Tomorrow I will go to the polling booth and cast my vote for the asshole of my choice. And I would urge everyone that is able to do the same. Voter turnout sucks in this country. I have a few ideas that could help bring out the vote.

• Free beer. With every vote you would receive a coupon for a free beer and hot wings at Hooter’s.
• Education. Get the word out that polling places are mostly presided over by librarian types. Librarian types are closet freaks. Trust me on this one. (Is it just me or does Sarah Palin look like a naughty librarian?)
• Free Porn. Electronic voting booths could show porn clips between voting screens.
• A Free Kick In The Nuts. Each Polling place designates a delegate from each party. The winning party’s delegate gets to kick the losing party’s delegate right in the nuts. I can just imagine sitting in Hooter’s drinking my free beer, munchin’ on some hot wings, and watching some douchenozzle getting kicked in the nuts.
• Voting Lottery. Every vote is given a six digit number. On the night of the election a lottery is held. If all your numbers match then you win a million dollars, if five of the numbers match you win a date with a Hollywood star or starlet, if four of the numbers match you win a date with a midget hooker, if three of your numbers match you will receive oral sex from a toothless crackwhore.
• Free Candy. Why should trick or treating be just for kids.

I am sure that quite a few more ideas could be effective. But something has to be done.

Bad Economy Creates Cookie Monsters

Today while waiting for my eye exam at the mall, I was sitting at the food court sipping on a soda and munching on a chocolate chip cookie from ‘The Great American Cookie Company.’ Looking around I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of empty shops even the Disney Store was closed. But soon the epitome of the modern mall came walking briskly by the cookie store. Casing the joint out she noticed that the clerk was in the back baking up some cookies, she did a quick about face, and snatched about six cookies from the sample plate. She mean mugged me as she walked by as if to say, ‘WTF are you going to do about it.’ I gave her my best ‘I don’t give a flying fuck smile.’ and watched the old grizzled mall-walker step her happy ass down the aisle.

Is that what this economy has come to? When fast stepping old mall-walkers are stealing cookie samples to survive? That’s just fucking sad.

Politics Makes For Strange Porn

My bro, Crazy Dan, recently had a post about a new porno with the title, ‘Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?’. It got me thinking of some more porn titles that could be made this political season.

• Barak In The Oval Orifice
• Look Who’s Blowin’ Biden
• Obama’s Baby Momma
• Gang Bang McCain
• The Bi-Partisan Bi-Sexuals
• Cumshot Conservatives
• Left Wing Liberal Lesbian Labia Lickers
• Glory Hole Voting Booth
• Lubed Up Lobbyists
• Deep Inside Interns

Actually porn and politics go hand in hand because no matter who wins this election, we are all getting fucked.

Half Assed

That’s what pisses me off about politics. Everything is fucking half assed. Where the fuck is the bottom half of this pic? Aaaargh.

Famous Asshole Quote: Is It Destiny or The End Of The World?

Men do not shape destiny, Destiny produces the man for the hour. – Fidel Castro

Strange Fact

Salt Lake City is the Number One consumer of Jell-O in the United States.

Personally this pisses me the fuck off. I mean haven’t the Mormons grabbed enough attention lately by splashing their polygamist lifestyle all over the news. Hell just down the road there is so much DNA testing going on, trying to figure out who’s the baby-daddy, that if I see anyone come near me with so much as a Q-Tip, I’m going to knock them the fuck out.

Therefore I am going to issue a nation-wide challenge. Every city, town, village, and hamlet is challenged to host a colossal Jell-O Wrestling competition. Surely someone somewhere can out Jell-O the Mormons if only for a day. And really wouldn’t a neighborhood Jell-O Wrestling night be good for better understanding and camaraderie. Come on people, It takes a village.