Archive for the Spirituality Category

Just Another Day At The Office

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, Prison, Spirituality with tags on November 14, 2008 by Pure Evyl

As I am an empathetic soul, I often receive requests from inmates on everything from phone calls to sick loved ones, to requests for trustee jobs, or to move to a different cell block. Yesterday I received one such request.

A male inmate wrote a request stating that he was a Christian and was offended by the vulgar and offensive language that he was subjected to in his cell block. He therefore requested to be moved to the female dorm.

I called the inmate to my office to lend an empathetic ear to his situation. As he sat in the chair across from my desk, I held the request up and asked him, ‘What in the flying fuck is this bullshit?’ He explained that it was his attempt at humor and that he really wanted to see if there was a religious dorm that he could be moved into from his current housing that was filled with godless criminals. I asked him if I looked like I had a sense of fucking humor. Obviously he was at a loss to see one in me at the time. I further explained that this was prison not a religious retreat and that if he wished to join a religious commune than he should have thought of that before he fucked up and got his ass thrown in here.

Hopefully he has seen the light. But chances are I will have more oppurtunities to see his fucktarded sense of humor.

It’s Not Unusual

Posted in On The Net, Proverbs and Quotes, Spirituality with tags , on September 1, 2008 by Pure Evyl

“Patience is one of the characteristics of monastic life, but even the patience of the brothers was being tested by our slow Internet.”

Father Daniel Van Santvoort, Cistercian monk, on his Welsh island community’s decision to get broadband

I came across this quote the other day and was amazed that even monks are getting a little antsy in todays fast paced internet age. Perhaps they were looking for available Nuns in their area. It’s either that or dial up is just too damn slow to load up those Tom Jones vids on YouTube.

Digging Up The Truth

Posted in Bullshit, Fun and Games, Spirituality with tags on August 12, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Recent archaeological findings have found that Jesus’ first miracle of turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana was due to the fact that he was too loaded to go on a beer run.

God Of Cock

Posted in Bullshit, For The Freaks, Medical, Spirituality with tags on July 30, 2008 by Pure Evyl

A couple of comments from the previous post got me to thinking. Yes there was porn in Ancient times from the Kama Sutra, to the Roman coins, to ancient Japanese drawings, to the licentious behavior of the Greek and Roman Gods. But no ancient figure whether real or mythological seems to have a greater chance of revival in modern times than the god, Priapus. Priapus was a minor god back then but today he would be a porn superstar. Besides the fact that he was a fertility god, protector of livestock,fruit plants and gardens, Priapus is best known as the God Of Cock. He was always pictured or sculpted with a huge hard on. This gives rise to the modern medical term priapism. (A stiffy that lasts for longer than four hours.)

In the 1980’s, The St. Priapus Church was founded to worship the cock. Although it’s members are mostly homosexual, I have always found a certain religious ecstasy when nubile female acolates would kneel and pay homage at my alter.

So That’s What He’s Thinking About

Posted in Blog Babble, Crazy Fuckers, Spirituality with tags on July 29, 2008 by Pure Evyl

About once every week or so, I go throught the old Akismit Spam-box and check out what’s to be found there. Today, I checked it out and damn, this post caught a shit load of Spam. I even caught some spam on the post from some spambot calling itself, ‘The Mind of Christ.’

Now I have heard that Christ is all about love but come on. Does JC really need to comment on a post about BJ’s?

Tuesday’s Twisted Tasteless Poetry: Episode III

Posted in For The Freaks, Spirituality, Tasteless Poetry with tags , on June 9, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Full Gospel

Christian Ken was a full gospel man

Cruised the land in a full gospel van

He traveled far and he traveled near

He preached the full gospel to all that would hear

He preached against demons and the wages of sin

He preached against abortionists and men who fuck men

He preached against Spongebob, Teletubbies, and The Wiggles

Ignoring the laughs, the smirks, and the giggles.

 He preached against evolution and fucking on all fours.

He preached against gambling, drinking, and whores.

He preached against drugs and soft and hard core porn.

He preached at night and he preached in the morn.

He preached and he postured and he prayed

But poor Christian Ken could never get laid.

At the end of his preaching back in his van

His only comfort was the laying on of his hand.

Amen.

Awesome?

Posted in personal thoughts, Spirituality with tags on June 3, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Today in the office next to mine, between one very thin wall, permeating my brain, came forth the sounds of Contemporary Christian Music. Needless to say but my musical tastes differ greatly than the song stylings of Contemporary Christian Music. And after being bombarded by it for one afternoon, all I can say is What The Fuck?

I can remember going to church with my grandmother to the Church of Christ, sitting on a hard wooden pew. (I believe that one of the founding tenets of the Church of Christ is that the more uncomfortable your ass is then the easier the path to heaven.) Sitting there with my ass going numb the lilt of ‘Rock of Ages’, (No not the Def Leppard tune), spoke of high ideals of having sin washed away by water and blood.

But now the lyrics stay away from blood and sin and all the things that make religion an icky thing. It seems that Contemporary Christian Music believes that modern Christians shouldn’t debase themselves with blood and sin. That should be left to Alternative Rock. No, they sing how God is an Awesome God. As if The Bible should be rewritten in Valley Girl Speak. If they met up with the Old Testament God spewing fire and brimstone from a vengeful throne of judgement, they’d piss their damned pants and shit on themselves.

Perhaps instead of building great big crystal palaces to pray for great results from fucking botox shots or boob jobs, they should park their asses on a hard wooden seat, shut the fuck up, and get over it, or at least put on some damned headphones.