Archive for the Television Category

Confession Is Good For The Soul: My Ass

Posted in personal thoughts, Popular Culture, Rants, Television with tags on May 19, 2009 by Pure Evyl

This morning I woke up early and flipped through the channels and wound up watching some bullshit documentary on HBO. The program was Middle School Confession. The show was documenting a bunch of acne factory twelve and thirteen year old jailbait bitches. The young teen girls were talking about how they were proud to be virgins but didn’t mind giving a ‘handy’ or going down on their boyfriends.

Now I’m no fucking pedophile or cho-mo or anything but I do have one question. Where in the flying fuck were these bitches when I was in junior high. I would have done some serious asskissin’ for a damned blow job back in the day, hell I did some serious asskissin’ just to feel up a couple of nubs. Hell, I got a stiffy when the fucking wind blew in the right damned direction but do you think any of the bitches that I went to school with was willing to google the hoogler. Hell fucking no.

I was born ahead of my time and motherfucker that sucks ass.

Daytime Observations

Posted in Advertising, Crazy Fuckers, famous people, Food, personal thoughts, Popular Culture, Prison, Television with tags , , , , on December 26, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Being on vacation this week, in between Christmas shopping and entertaining my three year old granddaughter. I managed to catch a little daytime tv. Here are just a few observations.

  • The Today Show (After Today Show or whatever the fuck they call it) with Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford would make for a decent sit-com about a dysfunctional lesbian couple.
  • I do believe that Tyra’s boobs have grown.
  • Billy Mays may not be the anti-christ but he as about as close as you can find as seen on TV.
  • Someone must have pulled the stick out of Martha Stewart’s ass when she was in prison. And what’s with that ‘Whatever Martha’ show. Damn that’s cool and she actually produces the show that pokes fun at her.
  • If paparazzi tv could actually show the nip slips and crotch shots then it might actually be worth watching. Otherwise it’s just bullshit.
  • Even though Rachel Ray is annoying and has seemed to chunk up a bit. I’d still let her lick my spoon.
  • Combining the last two observations, a nip slip cooking show would really be Good Eats.

Now That's A 30 Minute Meal!!!

Now That's A 30 Minute Meal!!!

Fuckin’ Up A Meme: 7 More Things

Posted in Blog Babble, Evyl's Friends, Freaks and Friends, Fucking Tags, Fun and Games, On The Net, personal thoughts, superheroes, Television, Theme Music, Twisted Video with tags , , , , , , on November 30, 2008 by Pure Evyl

One of my newest blogmigos, Wayne John, has tagged  me with the ‘7 Things That You Didn’t Know About Me’ meme. Although I have done this one twice, talking about me is one of my favorite subjects so I can’t resist this one.

  1. My favorite cheese comes in a can. Nacho Cheese is liquid cheese food gold. Without Nacho Cheese, nachos are just a bunch of shit stuck on top of chips. With Nacho Cheese, it is a Tex-Mex delicacy of mythic proportion.
  2. I believe that the theme song to ‘True Blood’ has surpassed the theme song to ‘The Love Boat’ as the greatest television theme song of all time.
  3. When nothing else will relax me, I play The Legend Of Johnny Cash and play Spider Solitaire. After the third song, ‘Folsom Prison Blues’ is over, I am completely relaxed and Spider Solitaire is my bitch.
  4. The first blog that I visit in the day is the Bug Eyed Blog in order to try my hand at Earl’s daily trivia quiz. I’m not a world beater at it but I don’t do to shabby either.
  5. I am one of the few people in the blogosphere that isn’t a writer or thinks they are a writer. When I head to my room to get on the computer, I tell my wife that I am going to fuck off. And that is exactly what the fuck I am doing. And damn ain’t it fun.
  6. I believe that Alex Winter carried Keanu Reeves in ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ and find it a shame that he hasn’t had a bigger career.
  7. I have the ability to say the craziest damn shit with a completely straight face. People never really know if I am kidding or serious. It can make for great entertainment.

A Real Survivor

Posted in Bullshit, Crazy Fuckers, personal thoughts, Popular Culture, reality tv, Television with tags , on November 17, 2008 by Pure Evyl

trailer-park-mansion

I have been a fan of the reality show, Survivor, since it’s first season. But lately it seems to me that the show is getting a little stale. Sure it still has it’s share of douchbags, hotties, nimrods, jerks, and even a nice guy or girl thrown in for variety but there is just so many times that we can see a beautiful tropical paradise without saying, ‘so fucking what.’ I have an idea for updating the series that would add a little zest and real reality to the show. Welcome to Survivor: TrailerBilly.

The contestants would be dropped off at a trailer park at the edge of an urban southern city and be forced to survive the obstacles of meth labs, crack whores, pit bulls, cheap liquor, spam, and shirtless crazy Uncle Jeb.

Contestants would compete in luxury challenges where they could win such comfort items as NASCAR blankets, barbecue grills, a ’77 Trans Am, a Trac Phone with a Dukes of Hazzard ringtone, and other awesome prizes.

Each week after an immunity challenge of such events as distilling corn liquor in an old radiator, the quickest to synthesis an eight ball of crystal meth, escaping a crack whore without paying, escaping crazy shirtless Uncle Jeb without being molested, or the first team to chug a case of PBR without puking, the losing team would go to trailer park counsel.

Jeff Probst would let them know that the bug zapper signifies life in the trailer park. Each team member would curse each other and then vote to evict one member. The evicted member would stand before Jeff as he would unplug their bug zapper and tell the evicted contestant, “The trailer park has spoken. You are the weakest link. Turn in your beer koozie.” Then as some screaming team member yells, ‘Take that sumbitch to jail.’ The contestant would have his or her shirt ripped off and to the tune of, Bad Boy Bad Boy What you gonna do, a Cop right out of Cops would taser them, throw them on the ground and take them to the County Jail where Cell Block C has turned into the Jury House.

Inspiration Is Where You Find It

Posted in Bullshit, Television with tags on September 23, 2008 by Pure Evyl

While getting dressed this morning, one of those home decorating shows was on the tv. An effeminate guy was sanding his floors with a look on his face that bordered on an o-face. The line, ‘The gay carpenter lovingly stroked his wood.’ came to my mind. Perhaps it could be the start of the next great American novel.

Brains and Breasts

Posted in Advertising, personal thoughts, Television with tags on August 19, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Maybe it was a sizzurp induced stupor but I was watching the Olympic coverage and a commercial caught my eye. There on the screen was printed ‘DD Smart’. I instantly thought, ‘Cool. Intelligent large breasted women.’ Then the commercial went on to explain Dunkin Donuts new line up of menu items under 300 calories. Damn that pissed me the fuck off.

First off why in the flying fuck would anyone go to Dunkin Doughnuts for anything healthy. Just eat a damn granola bar and get the fuck out of the way of people going to get real fucking doughnuts. In the second place, Dunkin Donuts can kiss my ass. Tease me with the DD moniker. What a bunch of fucknuts. I hope the damn Better Business Bureau busts their fucking ass on this one.

Five Reasons I Would Lose On Family Feud

Posted in Bullshit, For The Freaks, Fun and Games, Life's Questions, Television with tags on August 5, 2008 by Pure Evyl

I found myself watching Celebrity Family Feud tonight for lack of anything better to do. Most of the time I kick ass at game shows such as Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and even Don’t Forget the Lyrics but when it comes to Family Feud the first things that come to my mind are generally quite different than what the top responses show on the Feud. I decided to go ahead and list five actual questions that came up on this episode of the Feud and my first gut answers.

  • What would you do if you caught your girlfriend cheating on you? Fuck her dog.
  • Name something that women wear that hurt. A strap on dildo.
  • What do kids brag on about their fathers? The size of their cock.
  • What does a wife stop doing if she is angry at her husband? Give blowjobs.
  • Name something that married couples have two of? Domestic Violence Convictions.

What can I say, none of my answers even made the board.