Freak Of The Week: Feeding Santa

I have read a lot of crap saying that with the growing rate of obesity that leaving out milk and cookies for Santa is sending out a bad message to children. Instead of leaving out the time honored milk and cookies, that parents should leave out healthy snacks such as fruit or vegetables and a low-cal dip. Well here is what the big guy thinks of that happy horseshit.


But to tell the truth, the jolly fat guy is a little tired of plain old milk and cookies. So for this week, your assignment should you choose to accept it, is to let everyone know what the freakiest thing to leave for Santa to ensure receiving the best presents.

The freakiest answer will be crowned with the most prized of blog prizes: The Freak Of The Week!!! Good luck and may the freakiest freak win.

27 Responses to “Freak Of The Week: Feeding Santa”

  1. I would leave the big guy some homemade pizza and a bottle of Asti. That would surely convince him to leave me the biggest and best gift

  2. Assless chaps and the phone number of the guy in the leather kilt at the bear bar!

    That dude scares me. – Evyl

  3. I am going to be severely pissed off if when I have kids they leave out healthy treats!

    I bet if a kid does it then it will be the last time that they do. – Evyl

  4. leave him one of your dragondogs and a tall cool budweiser…

    That should do the trick. – Evyl

  5. Doktor Holocaust Says:

    gotta love those holiday pics where you can almost see santa’s personal business.

    I’m suprised nobody’s suggested this one yet, so I will:

    Hot, wet pussy. as a bonus, the juices will act as conditioner for his beard and the smell will shield his nose from the less pleasant vapours that one can be exposed to spending the night at the ass end of a dozen reindeer.

    chilled busty female corpse, not too old. even if he’s not a necrophile, he may be hungry for some long pig.

    A revolver with one bullet in it. Santa may have the same feelings about the holidays I do and want to get away from them. as a bonus, I’d get to keep his sack of goodies.

    poisoned booze, so he dies and I get his magical bag of presents.

    Allrighty then. – Evyl

  6. A martini in a camel pack with a big jar of sex olives, a double cheeseburger, deep fried beer battered cheese curds, and a pack of tic tacks to stick up his nose before the martini kicks in.

    I may also throw in a vibrating butt plug and an “elf” to take the presents down the chimney when Santa is playing…

    Sex olives huh. That might work. – Evyl

  7. Damn it…you took my idea Doktor…haha

    For a Santa looking like that, I’d leave out a bondage horse, a full array of dildos, oils and lubes, 9 fine maidens, 8 filthy whores, 7 slutty tramps, 6 bitches boinking, 5 Golden Rains! 4 titties touching, 3 french hens, 2 aspirin, and a penis in case his don’t work.

    An excellent entry. – Evyl

  8. A midget hooker and some restraints. Something to reward his faithful elves with.

    Fuck, I’m still laughing at Wayne John’s entry.

    Who could resist a midget hooker and restraints? Not me and I’m betting not Santa. – Evyl

  9. Jessica Simpson’s phone number and Tony Romo’s head on a stick.

    Santa, of course, is an Eagles fan.

    Then shouldn’t you want McNabb’s head on a stick? 😉 – Evyl

  10. Reindeer diapers so all their poop doesn’t go hitting him in the face when he is making all those trips around the world. 😯

    That would be handy. – Evyl

  11. I got nothing… but I truly enjoyed Wayne Johns…. dangit, he took my answer 😉

    It was good but I know that you surely have something sweet for Santa. – Evyl

  12. nope.

    After reading Wayne John’s answer, I got nothin!

    Awww, surely you got sumthin’. – Evyl

  13. I wonder what those big red balls would look like hanging on that Santa’s nipples?
    I would leave him lefovers, the old fart never gives me anything good!

    Sorry ’bout that. – Evyl

  14. An inflatable female companion for that long sleigh ride Christmas Eve and a gift certificate to the ” Bunny Ranch ” After all you know why Santa’s face is so red it because he only cums once a year

    That’s gotta be tough. – Evyl

  15. a beer
    a shot of whiskey
    some rufies for the wife when he gets home
    a blount for the ride home
    and two indonesian children, one boy and one girl, bound and gagged he does, after all, do it for the children

    Oh Yeah!!! – Evyl

  16. He looks eager to felch last night’s dinner if you’d let him

    Maybe so. – Evyl

  17. a fifth of Crown Royal and Coca-Cola. A good 30 minutes later and he’d be to smashed to leave. You’d get ALL THE PRESENTS !

    Hells Yeah!!! – Evyl

  18. I can’t say anything. I’m laughing to hard at Heather suggestion. Damn that was good.

    Yeppers. – Evyl

  19. Hi Evyl,

    Santa has always struck me as an average Joe working stiff, so I’d leave him the same thing I always have since our child left for college:

    1 plate of magic brownies
    1 six pack of home brew
    1 bag of Dorritos, for after the brownies wear off
    1 five pack of Dutch Masters President cigars
    1 travel pack of aspirin
    1 copy of the latest issue of Playelf
    1 box of Kleenex

    On the other hand, if I ever decided to go non-traditional, I’d try to duplicate the B-52 survival kit from Dr. Strangelove. Heck, I wouldn’t mind getting one of those for Christmas myself!

    The Grit

    Magic Brownies should do it every time. – Evyl

  20. I need the phone number of your Santa’s stylist.

    That said, there’s no way I (or anyone else, I think) can top some of these freaky suggestions. I’m feeling envious and a tad homocidal now. 😉

    Have one of The Grit’s magic brownies. They should chill the homocidal rages. – Evyl

  21. Only the best for my Santa:
    A mini Heineken keg, a pair of handcuffs, and me in my red nighty.

    I got a purebred Yorkie last year for bein’ his “ho, ho, ho.”


    Excuse me, I now have to go take care of something right quick. – Evyl

  22. How about a special mistletoe enema mix for all the crappy treats he’s going to eat that people have left out for him? I have a feeling he might need it. 😉

    And you know that he’d enjoy it. – Evyl

  23. a phat square of hash and a nice big coconut creme pie (and a glass of milk with a shot of Maker’s Mark for a chaser)
    Just my opinion.

    Hells Yeah!!! – Evyl

  24. We could leave him a midget nun on a plate with mistletoe above her sweet little mount vesuvius and cream on her nipples?

    Oh Yeah!!! – Evyl

  25. Vienna sausage, Texas Pete’s, and a Tall PBR!!

    Hells Yeah!!! – Evyl

  26. Damn, I forgot – if you’re gonna eat that shit you need a cracker to put it on!

    Crackers are always handy. – Evyl

  27. Holy crap that is one hot santa; I don’t know what I’d leave him, but I’ve love him to leave ME some of that sexy shoulder hair 😉

    He could always donate some to Locks of Love. – Evyl

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