Ya Know

Ya know it is fucking hot when you bang your old lady on your side of the bed just so that you can have a cool wet place to sleep.

Down But Not Out

Now that I am in a less restrictive splint, I thought that I would type out a line or two to explain my absence. A while back while pedaling my happy ass down the road, the chain broke on my bike and I went asshole over elbows over the handlebars. I broke my fucking arm and dislocated my thumb. Being that my dominant hand has been out of commission, both my blogging and my sex life has suffered. Jacking off with your off hand is like fucking a pussy that falls apart like toilet paper when it gets wet; it beats nothing but it’s damn hard to get your jollies.

Anyway, I’m back for now and will get back to the tasks at hand like spreading my wit and wisdom to the four corners of the blogosphere.

AWOL

Just a short word in all-caps to explain my recent absence from the blogosphere with more to follow soon; FUCK!!!

Fuck You Haiku: Ode To Grasshopper

Some lessons cum hard

Choke your chicken not your neck

Goodbye Grasshopper

Some Folks Just Don’t Get It.

Today, a female co-worker, who has an intense love of cats but not a firm grasp of humor, told me that she had some kittens to give away and if I liked cats. I told her that a generally don’t like cats. The meat is a little too lean and has a tendency to be dry. She gave me a horrified look and skedaddled into the sunset.

I didn’t even get the chance to tell her that although this is generally true, if you prep it right and get it to just the right temperature, pussy is some mighty tasty eating. But then again I might have got into some real trouble over that line.

Point of Order: #69

If a male inmate is caught having sex with a female officer in a walk-in freezer can the inmate be charged with assault?

After all, he cold-cocked the bitch.

Keep on A’Rollin’ Baby

The awesome Moe kindly allowed me to add my little bit to one of her fabulous rolling stories. She started it off and them passed the story over to Blondie, and then Widdle Shamrock,  and then to Mistress B, and then on to Cris, and then to Anja, and then to Annie. It is a shame that I have to screw up such a great story but I appreciate her confidence and hope she won’t mind me fucking it up to bad. Well, here goes nothing.

He stepped from the plane into the crowded airport, the face of who he was seeking, fixed firmly in his mind.

He had seen it numerous times, but knew, even if it had been revealed only once, it was a face he would never forget.

How could he ever forget the face of the person responsible for the single most painful experience of his life?

The devastation it had created was an event he would not allow himself to forget.

He was driven to not only find her, but make her suffer the way he had. Ensure she experienced the total overwhelming feeling that had been his constant companion for more than 10 years.

The hopelessness, anguish and feeling of loss, all of which kept him awake, or haunted his dreams, turning every night into a tortuous time to be dreaded, in every waking moment…….

Constance sat in the study looking out over the garden. She loved to be in this room. It was just how she had imagined she would have her own room just for her writing, all those years ago. The garden was showing the first signs of spring approaching. There were new buds on all the plants and the winter chill had gone from the air today, so she had happily let Alison play outside.

She was distracted from her writing while watching Alison play in the garden. The child had a wonderful imagination and Constance loved to watch her play. As the sun glistened on Alison’s hair and she poured tea for the teddy bears, Constance wondered how their lives would have turned out if she had made a different decision on that fateful day. For the first time in many years, she let her mind wonder to Alison’s father. Constance had not let herself think about him since that day. As she was thinking about him, she felt a shiver go up her spine and felt a sense of dread that she hadn’t experienced in a long time…

Dermot ran his hand through his hair. He was still a ‘looker’ and he knew it. He felt the glances from women as he walked through the airport to the taxi stand.

“Mmm, Nice eye candy.” he heard a woman mutter quietly to her friend.

He smiled to himself. Nice eye candy indeed. Standing at almost 6ft tall, Dermot had thick, black, wavy hair with tinges of grey. While he was no body builder, he kept himself in good shape. It was his eyes that women loved the most though, his deep, sea blue eyes. Many a woman had gazed into those eyes and fallen prey to his charms. Many a woman had known what it was like to be loved and tossed aside like a broken toy when he had had enough. Dermot hadn’t always been like that, a cruel, hard hearted bastard. There was a time when he loved freely and unashamedly, trusted implicitly. That was before Con….

Dermot shook his head. There was no time for that.

He hailed a cab, and when it pulled up, threw his overnight bag in the back and got in.

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

Dermot paused. What now? He had waited for this for 10 years, plotted, planned, changed his mind over and over, never letting the flame of revenge die in his heart. He was here now. It was time.

Yes, where to?

He directed the driver to his hotel resisting the impulse to rush the confrontation that he knew was to come, remembering the events that led up to that fateful night that changed all their lives forever.

His mind drifted back in time as he remembered her despair that her husband was slowly drinking himself to death, her grief for the marriage and life that she would never now have. He remembered pulling her close initially to try to calm her weeping but later, oh later………. of holding her closer, much closer than a brother in law should as they sought to affirm the life that they both should have been living .

He remembered the gentleness of her fingers as they explored his muscles, the softness of her silky smooth skin, how she shivered when he kissed her neck, how her body arched beneath his as they took what each needed from the other.

It was the most incredible night he had ever known, he’d never found that kind of satisfaction with another woman since. She’d ruined him for anyone else and he’d never trusted another women again after what she did. Falling in love with his brother’s wife was bad enough and he had hated himself for it but for her to tell James while he was still so vulnerable…….. The bitch killed him!

She shouldn’t have told him, she should have stayed silent and forgotten about that night, that one night that they had turned to each other for comfort after taking James to rehab. If only she hadn’t told him he would never have been drunk at the wheel that night and had a chance of maintaining control of the car on the snow covered mountain road.

She killed James and then she vanished!

He’d been looking for her this whole time. It was time someone held her accountable

Constance sat with a vague sense of unease, watching her daughter. She was struck by the need to go out and grab that beautiful child and run. She could not put her finger on the reason, but the fear began to grow in her. She hadn’t felt this in years. ‘Not since…..No, I will not let my mind go there…it was long ago and I am past it now,’ she thought.

But her mind continued to wander, down, deeper into her memories. All she could remember was the heart shattering loss, feeling like she was spiraling deep into nothingness, emptiness and like her heart had been cut from her.

The sound of the telephone cut through the silence like a chain saw, but Constance was locked deep in her mind, and could not reach out for the phone. At the same time Allison heard the phone ringing from outside and came running into the house. Mommy had just started allowing her to answer the phone on occasion, and if it was still ringing …….she ran to the phone, stopping short when she saw her mom sitting there.

“Mommy, Mommy are you ok?” shouted Allison. The crystal glass shattered against the terrazzo tiles, shocking Constance back into reality. He was behind Allison, close enough to touch her. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes that made her drown in a pool of lust and passion were staring at her daughter. His long fingers were about to touch her hair. Constance was chained to her chair in fright. She knew why he was here. He was here to take away the one thing that was good and beautiful in the world – he was here for Allison. Her mind was in turmoil, her thoughts a myriad of confusion. How could she love a man that had vowed to make her suffer? How could she still feel that warm rush of ecstasy at the thought of him touching her, when she knew he was on a mission to destroy her. He smiled at Allison; that familiar smile he would deliver to her all those years ago. Constance died inside when she heard his voice. The pain cut through her heart when she heard him say,

“Hello, Allison. I have waited a long time to see you. I am your father”

Allison’s large green eyes regarded the tall stranger with distrust. “What’s your name?” she asked.

“Dermott McDawg,” he replied, a smile so oily it could have dressed salad.

“Kermit the Frog?” Allison smirked. “Mummy, what is he doing here? I have a twitter date and I’m going to be late. You told me I never had to meet him. You told me he eats small children for lunch.”

Constance gasped and looked truly surprised and shrugged at Dermott. “I really didn’t…Allison, this is your…”

“Oh knock it off, Mummy – we both know this is the bastard that slept with you and caused me to kill myself on that lonely mountain road.” Allison leveled a rather scary gaze at Dermott. “If it weren’t for you I would still be a virile man sleeping with my hot wife and making babies of our own, instead of having to come back as your love child conducting fake tea parties on the lawn with teddy bears.”

Dermot was speechless, all his plans of vengence fading quickly and being replaced with a sense of fear. “Well, ah, Allison dear…”

“Don’t you dear, me, you rat-bastard waste of space wanker!” Allison stamped her foot and pulled a can of pepper spray from her pretty pink pinafore. Psst. “Take that you lowlife, treacherous wife fucker!”

“My eyes! My eyes!” Dermott cried rubbing them with his fists. He could not see a thing but he felt a sudden chill of fear race his spine when….

He realized that all the years of seeking divine retribution was suddenly regurgitated on his lap. He was the one that caused his brother’s death. He was the one that by one night of pure unadulterated lust pushed his drunken bum of a brother over the edge.

And that is when he realized the truth. His brother, James, was a fucking douchebag. What gave him the right to come back as the child of his night of passion. As he thought about Constance breast feeding this evil spawn from hell, rage filled his soul. Those perfect breasts should have been mine for the suckling.

Even though he could not see the fiend that had sprayed him, he could hear her breathing and he could smell her rancid tea breath. Dermot jumped and grabbed the demon spawn by the throat. Then he heard the distinctive sound of a shell being pumped into a twelve gauge shotgun. He knew that Constance would shoot. But who? The man that she loved and had been robbed of by her drunken bum of a husband or the demon spawn that had stolen the life that belonged to her child?

Now my part is done and it is up to the lovely and talented Cowgal to add her magic.

Fuck Cute

Yesterday, I was out shopping for some new duty boots. While headed to the boot rack on the back aisle, I noticed a young couple looking at ladies shoes. I overheard him say, ‘They’re cute but I’m just not sure they’re you.’

What in the flying fuck is up with that? I would have shot this fucker in the balls but I might be arrested for destroying her fucking purse. There are only two legitimate uses for the word, ‘cute’, in the English Language. I man may say that a baby or very young child is cute and a man may say that a puppy or infant animal is cute. All other uses of the word cute by a man is strictly forbidden and if a man uses it for other than these two legitimate reasons then in my opinion he might as well take a trip to Trinidad, Colorado, donate his balls to a worthy cause, have his cock flipped inside out, and concentrate on a career in Softball.

Fuckin’ sonsofbitches, It’s metro-sexual asshole cum-bubbles like that, that make it tough for the rest of us real men.

Two Flush No Wipe

I suppose my last post was the blog equivalent of a big hairy-assed shit. No one else appreciates it but it feels damn good to get out out of my system.