Archive for the Prison Category

Point of Order: #69

Posted in crime and punishment, Life's Questions, Love, On the Job, Prison with tags on June 4, 2009 by Pure Evyl

If a male inmate is caught having sex with a female officer in a walk-in freezer can the inmate be charged with assault?

After all, he cold-cocked the bitch.

Jack Off #2

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison on April 1, 2009 by Pure Evyl

The other day, an officer was working at the post of Constant Observation Suicide Watch.  This officer is an older more matronly officer. You know the type. She is active in the church and the community. She is rather robust woman seemingly filled with energy if just a little prudish in nature.

This particular inmate was being housed in a medical holding cell. So the cell is just outside the nurses area which is a rather high traffic area with the comings and goings of the nursing staff, the inmates going to sick call, and the regular medical officer.

The officer was doing her usual conscientious job even though she was posted in what has to be one of the crappiest jobs on the facility. On Constant Observation Suicide Watch, you basically sit there for an entire shift looking at some douchebag that claims to be having suicidal thoughts (98 % of the time they are just some baby-crying sack of shit begging for attention) and logging down every five minutes what the hell they are doing.

At 1:40 PM, the Medical Officer radio’ed the shift supervisor to come to the Medical Department as soon as possible. When the shift supervisor arrived at the Medical Department, the Medical Officer reported that the inmate on Suicide Watch was masturbating. The Shift Supervisor went in and asked the inmate what the hell did was he thinking. Along with a few choice words and an explanation that if he absolutely needed to relieve himself that is what the shower is for.

The next day, I started investigating the incident as a Disciplinary Hearing would be held after the inmate was released from Suicide Watch. I looked at the Officers observation log. At 1:30 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:35 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating. At 1:40 pm, the matronly officer wrote that the inmate had his head leaned against the wall and was masturbating.

I called the matronly officer to my officer and asked her why she had logged the incident down three times and then the Medical Officer called for the Shift Supervisor. She told me that it wasn’t bothering her and she did not realize that it was breaking any rules to masturbate in a Suicide Watch Cell. She further stated that when the Medical Officer saw the inmate masturbating that the Medical Officer freaked out and then called the Shift Supervisor.

I explained to the officer that it was against policy for an inmate to masturbate in the view of anyone anywhere and next time to immediately call for the Shift Supervisor. She said, “Yes, Sir. I will. I just didn’t realize that but now I know. At least he wasn’t thinking of suicide while he was masturbating.”

It’s hard to beat logic like that.

Jack Off #1

Posted in crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison on March 31, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Not long ago, I was running a Disciplinary Hearing on an Inmate. The charge was Sexual Misconduct. I brought the inmate in and read the officers charge. The officer stated that this inmate was walking by the bars with his hands down his pants. His pants were moving in an up and down motion in the crotch area. It was the officers opinion that the inmate was masturbating.

I asked the inmate if he wished to plead guilty or not guilty. The inmate plead not guilty. I then asked him to explain his side of the story. The inmate stated that yes he did have his hands down his pants but stated that it was just a habit and he was not masturbating. He also named a witness that could testify to the fact that he was not masturbating.

I took the name of the potential witness and went to go question him. I wasn’t looking forward to it. It seems to me that every inmate witness that I have ever questioned always gives the same bullshit story. It’s always some bullshit about how this inmate is a saved man and would never perpetrate any type of disorderly behavior. But as the officer had also listed an inmate witness, I went out to do my duty.

First I pulled out the witness listed by the officer. This inmate stated that he had seen the charged inmate walking by the bars but could not really tell if he was masturbating. Next I pulled out the witness called for by the inmate at the hearing. The witness was an elderly black man. I told him that I was running a Disciplinary Hearing and the inmate said that he could tell me that he was not masturbating. The elderly black inmate asked the charged inmate’s name again and I told him.

He stated, “That nasty assed motherfucker. I won’t even let that motherfucker sit on my bed. He’s always walking around scratchin’ on his damned balls. That burned out crackhead doesn’t even remember what his junk is for anymore. He wasn’t jacking off. He’s just a nasty assed motherfucker.”

I went back to the Hearing and told the charged inmate that he had the best damned witness that I have ever seen. I informed him that although I found him not guilty that he had better get over his nasty habit and keep his hands out of his pants. Next time he might get more than a couple of days in the hole waiting for a hearing or a few more days in the hole for being found guilty. I explained that next time some inmate would get tired of watching him walking around scratching his balls and beat the living shit out of his dumb ass.

Ahhh, it’s days like this that I live for.

Just Doing My Part: Episode 777

Posted in Crazy Fuckers, crime and punishment, On the Job, Prison with tags on February 16, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I received a request from an Inmate stating that he wished to talk to me regarding a problem that he was having with the Medical Department. Although the Medical Department is not under my jurisdiction, as a consummate professional concerned with the problems of all inmates at the facility, I gladly granted him an interview.

The offender informed me that he was having trouble getting the Medical Department to agree to give him a special diet tray. The offender appeared to me to be about 5′ 10″ and to weigh in the three hundred pound range. I told him what special diet needs did he require. The inmate stated that he wasn’t getting enough to eat and he needed an extra tray or at least an extra sandwich.

I welcomed him to ‘The Biggest Loser: The Prison Edition” and wished him good luck on being the biggest loser.

It’s so good to be of service to mankind.

And That’s The Way He Wants It

Posted in crime and punishment, Prison with tags , , on February 14, 2009 by Pure Evyl


As Disciplinary Hearing Officer, I have just about heard it all. I was running a disciplinary hearing on a minor infraction. An inmate had been written up for a level three offense; Using Indecent, Abusive, or Vulgar Words or Gestures. I relayed to the shift supervisor that I would be running this hearing and to have an officer escort the inmate to my office. The Shift Supervisor asked if I wanted the inmate in handcuffs as is my usual way, (it’s not that I mind taking care of business if an inmate gets out of hand but Use of Force paperwork is a complete pain in the ass.) I told the supervisor that it was only a minor deal and I was most likely going to give the inmate a verbal warning and go about my business so handcuffs would not be necessary.

The inmate got to my office and I read the charge and the report that stated that he was rapping and the lyrics of his rap included the words, ‘I’m gonna fuck you in the mouth. I’m gonna stick my dick in your mouth.’ When I asked him if he wished to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty, he entered a plea of not guilty. I then asked him to explain his side of the story.

The inmate said that those lines were not what he said at all but that he was only rapping a tune from Lil’ Wayne. I asked him to repeat the lyrics that he did say. He rapped,’ It’s all about the motherfuckin’ money.’ I stopped him right there and told him that he did say the word fuck and if he could understand that the officer might have misunderstood him and that as this officer did not use that type of language, how she might have been offended by his language. He said that he didn’t say fuck. I stated that fuck was the base word to motherfuckin’. He then stated, ‘You motherfuckers just don’t understand.’

I suppose not. I put the cuffs on him and sentenced him to fifteen days of Disciplinary Detention; (The Hole.) I guess, I just will never understand that damned rap music.


Posted in Crazy Fuckers, Prison with tags on January 14, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I had a little throw down at the facility today and Bobby Flay didn’t even peek his bitch ass from around the corner. All is well and I shall be back tomorrow with the freak of the week contest.

Daytime Observations

Posted in Advertising, Crazy Fuckers, famous people, Food, personal thoughts, Popular Culture, Prison, Television with tags , , , , on December 26, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Being on vacation this week, in between Christmas shopping and entertaining my three year old granddaughter. I managed to catch a little daytime tv. Here are just a few observations.

  • The Today Show (After Today Show or whatever the fuck they call it) with Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford would make for a decent sit-com about a dysfunctional lesbian couple.
  • I do believe that Tyra’s boobs have grown.
  • Billy Mays may not be the anti-christ but he as about as close as you can find as seen on TV.
  • Someone must have pulled the stick out of Martha Stewart’s ass when she was in prison. And what’s with that ‘Whatever Martha’ show. Damn that’s cool and she actually produces the show that pokes fun at her.
  • If paparazzi tv could actually show the nip slips and crotch shots then it might actually be worth watching. Otherwise it’s just bullshit.
  • Even though Rachel Ray is annoying and has seemed to chunk up a bit. I’d still let her lick my spoon.
  • Combining the last two observations, a nip slip cooking show would really be Good Eats.

Now That's A 30 Minute Meal!!!

Now That's A 30 Minute Meal!!!

Cut The Pee-Pee Off

Posted in crime and punishment, Prison with tags on December 16, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Last week a transport driver was out so I filled in. After a four hour trip, my partner and I picked up a van-load of inmates. Prior to getting on the van, the inmates had to be strip searched and then restrained in handcuffs, belly chains, and leg irons. I handled the task of strip searching the inmates and then sending them out to be restrained by my partner.

One of the inmates seemed a little shy on the strip search, he reluctantly stripped and I went through the procedure. I had him spread his arms extended to his sides with fingers spread open and rotate the palms to see both sides of his hands. I had him open his mouth, raise his tongue, and expose his gums. I had him show the back of his ears. I had him run his fingers through his hair. And then came the part where I have him pull back his foreskin, if he is uncircumcised, and left his nutsack. This is when I notice the dude has no dick. He has a nutsack and a little indention where a dick my be hiding up in there. But he has no visibly protruding dick.

I didn’t ask him about his lack of dick. I’m an asshole but I try not to be a total fucking prick unless the situation calls for it. Surely the dude has caught enough shit in his life for having no dick.  I simply finished the search having him turn around, show me the bottoms of his feet, and squat and cough.

Now I really hope this inmate doesn’t get into any trouble. As you might have read in one of my posts, I am the Disciplinary Hearing Officer and am in charge of dealing out punishment to offenders who have broken the rules at the facility. When my boss asks me about any hearings, I always tell him that I found the inmate guilty and cut his pee-pee off. I hope this dude stays out of trouble because there is no way that I can cut his pee-pee off.

Let The Terrorists Hit The Floor

Posted in In The News, personal thoughts, Prison, Theme Music with tags , , on December 9, 2008 by Pure Evyl

I was reading here about the use of loud music as an interrogation technique at Guantanamo Bay and a protest by musicians for this use of their music.

Boo Motherfuckin’ Hoo. So a bunch of bleeding heart douchenozzles are upset that a bunch of fucking terrorist and terrorist sympathizing scumbags are tortured by rock music. Fuck that bullshit. If it stops one fucking terrorist from killing a bunch of innocent people, then I say, Crank Up The Fucking Jams!!!

My hat goes off to Stevie Benton, the kick motherfuckin’ ass bassist of Drowning Pool. It seems that Drowning Pool’s, Bodies, is one of the interrogators favorite tune to break down the prisoners to get much needed information. He stated in Spin Magazine, “People assume we should be offended that somebody in the military thinks our song is annoying enough that played over and over it can psychologically break someone down. I take it as an honor to think that perhaps our song could be used to quell another 9/11 attack or something like that.” And the band has made this statement, “Drowning Pool is committed to supporting the lives and rights of our troops stationed around the world.”

Not only is Drowning Pool’s, Bodies, a kick ass tune but hopefully it is making the world a safer place. Crank It Up!!!