Fuck You Haiku: Ode To Grasshopper

Some lessons cum hard

Choke your chicken not your neck

Goodbye Grasshopper

That’s What Forever’s For

I read that the cost of US postage stamps are going up two cents in May. But ‘Forever’ stamps can be bought for the current 42 cents until the price hike takes effect. ‘Forever’ stamps costing 42 cents are valid until one runs out of the damned things.

To tell the truth, I don’t use snail mail enough to have a reason to jump up and down over ‘Forever’ stamps. But if they ever sell ‘Forever’ vouchers for Tequila, smokes, beer, beef jerkey, and lap dances, I will be doing one hell of a happy dance.

I’ll Buy That For A Dollar

It seems that a 22 year old hottie from Nevada has put her virginity up to the highest bidder. Fox News reports that the highest bid so far is 3.7 million dollars. I’m all for the free market system but I do think that this shows how screwed up things are. There is no fucking way that I am going to pay that kind of money to someone that doesn’t even know what the fuck she is doing.

I don’t know what piece of ass would be worth that much money for one roll in the hay but I guarenfuckintee that she better know the ropes well enough to get a merit badge in fucking.

Thanks Steve for making me aware of this news.

Grab And Snatch

In Sydney, Australia, police are on the lookout for a sick twisted individual who is truly fucking up sex shops in the area. It seems the guy is ripping off blow-up dolls and taking them to the alley, blowing them up, abusing them (sexually), and leaving the poor defenseless dolls blowed up and blown in lying in the alley.

What gets me is that he is having sex with one model of blow up doll named Jungle Jane.

Poor Abused Jungle Jane

With all the variety of blow up dolls, why pick only one. Variety is the spice of life. Here is a small sampling of what the boring little fuck is passing up.

Hentai Hunching Action

Upgrade To An Asian Model

Alien? Three Tits? What's Not To Love?

Midget Love Dolls - Less Blow For More Pump

Handy Dandy For Shoplifters - The Pocket Pussy

For The Man That Will And Has Fucked Everything - An Inflatable Love Lamb

Click here for the odd news story from Reuters.

Call Me Dr. Feelgood

I recently heard of a scientific study that proves what I have known all along. My cock is better than a happy pill.

These findings prove that splooge makes women happy. And hell’s yeah, I do love to spread happiness. Now if only they can prove that it’s effects are best when taken orally.

WTF News

I was reading where Madonna has been swapping spit with a 20 year old Brazilian model by the name of Jesus. Well at least he is young enough to be her son. Can’t say much about any other comparisons because just singing like a virgin ain’t gonna cut it.

Like A Prayer? More Like A Runaway Cougar.

I’ve noticed that President Elect Obama’s shirtless Hawaii pics are all over the freakin’ web. I have seen the headlines read everything from ‘Whoa Bama’, to ‘The Most Buff President Ever.’ I just don’t know if I want a President known for being the most buff President ever. I’d rather have one known for being competent.  But after looking at the pic, I couldn’t help but notice why all the female voters have been oohing and aahing. Presidential Mooseknuckle; Now there’s an election technique that you don’t see everyday.

Presidential Mooseknuckle

All in all these stories left me disgusted but then I came across some entertainment news to put a smile on my face. It seems that Ashley Simpson’s babydaddy is giving reviews on the taste of her breast milk.

I Am So Glad That I Am Not Lactose Intolerant

Merry Christmas Bettie Wherever You Are

Bettie Page: “I don’t know what they mean by an icon. I never thought of myself as being that. It seems strange to me. I was just modeling, thinking of as many different poses as possible.”

More than an icon, Bettie Page is a legend of unsurpassed beauty and confident sexuality. Her image shall never fade. Goodbye Bettie.

Let The Terrorists Hit The Floor

I was reading here about the use of loud music as an interrogation technique at Guantanamo Bay and a protest by musicians for this use of their music.

Boo Motherfuckin’ Hoo. So a bunch of bleeding heart douchenozzles are upset that a bunch of fucking terrorist and terrorist sympathizing scumbags are tortured by rock music. Fuck that bullshit. If it stops one fucking terrorist from killing a bunch of innocent people, then I say, Crank Up The Fucking Jams!!!

My hat goes off to Stevie Benton, the kick motherfuckin’ ass bassist of Drowning Pool. It seems that Drowning Pool’s, Bodies, is one of the interrogators favorite tune to break down the prisoners to get much needed information. He stated in Spin Magazine, “People assume we should be offended that somebody in the military thinks our song is annoying enough that played over and over it can psychologically break someone down. I take it as an honor to think that perhaps our song could be used to quell another 9/11 attack or something like that.” And the band has made this statement, “Drowning Pool is committed to supporting the lives and rights of our troops stationed around the world.”

Not only is Drowning Pool’s, Bodies, a kick ass tune but hopefully it is making the world a safer place. Crank It Up!!!

Famous Asshole Quotes: Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

Greed Is Good?

From the movie ‘Wall Street’

Bud: How much is enough?
Gekko: It’s not a question of enough, pal. It’s a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn’t lost or made, it’s simply transferred from one perception to another.