Fuck You Haiku: Ode To Grasshopper

Some lessons cum hard

Choke your chicken not your neck

Goodbye Grasshopper

Fuck You Haiku: Fuck Your Dog

Fuck Your Dog

(The Bicyclist’s Revenge)

cycling down the street

your yapping piece of shit dog

eats my billy club

Twisted Holiday Carol: Oh Christmas Porn

I Don't Think It's Sleighbells Jingling

O Christmas Porn, O Christmas Porn,
You put the ho in holidays!
O Christmas Porn, O Christmas Porn,
You put the ho in holidays!
O Christmas Porn, O Christmas Porn,
Santa’s fist up Prancer’s ass,
While the elves gang-bang a barely legal lass;
O Christmas Porn, O Christmas Porn,
You put the ho in holidays.

Fuckin’ Up A Meme: To The Letter

I offered myself up as a sacrifice. I read Anja’s great letter meme and stuck my head on the chopping block by saying that I would kick any letters ass. Sure enough Anja gave me a letter from hell. First off here are the cut and pasted rules of the meme and just for the hell of it, I’ll leave the damn thing in purple and write in purple for the rest of the post.

You leave a comment on this post and I’ll assign you a letter.  You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place.  When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

You DO NOT have to do the meme if you only want to comment. Tell me if you want to do it. Otherwise you will not be tagged.

And what letter do ask did I receive; V. Here goes nothing.

• Vagina – How do I love the let me count the ways. That damned poet had to be talking about vagina. The sight, the smell, the sounds they make, I love it all.
• Vicodin – I once had a concussion and was given Vicodin for the pain. What little pain that remained after a good dose didn’t make me a fuck. And that is just what I needed after a good jar to the noggin, the ability to not give a flying fuck.
• Victoria’s Secret – The catalogue of all catalogues.
• A Victory Fuck – Besides living well it can be the best revenge.
• Vienna Sausages – I once did an ode to Vienna Sausages. Here is a refresher for those that haven’t seen it.

Late last night, my heart quickened
For the taste of mechanically separated chicken.
To the Cupboard, My quest began
Searching for that meaty goodness in a can.

I do not spot it but I know it’s there.
I continue my search. I do not despair.
Eureka, I spy, Behind the boil-in-bag rice
Beside the salt, pepper, and spice.

I pull back the lid and peer inside.
Joy of Joy my eyes open wide.
The juice is warm and fluid
Not like goo on the corpse of a Druid.

I tip the jar and drink the brine.
Oh the taste, so mighty fine.
Carefully so carefully, I pull out the wiener
Success, one whole piece, it could come out no cleaner.

My snack complete. I’m off to rest.
Perchance to dream, perhaps of breasts.
But just as I start to nod,
Acid Reflux, Oh My God!

• Visine – Once upon a time, I never left home without it. It gets the red out. Nuff said.
• Vodka Tonic with a Twist – There’s nothing quite like it. My favorite way to have tater’s.
• A quick game of VolleyBoobs –  It’s almost as fun as motorboating.
• Vaughn – As in Stevie Ray Vaughn and I will let the vid do the talking.

• Voluptuous Women – Just like a good sports car, I like curves. Although to be perfectly honest. Long and lean works also. To be honest I just like women. Just make this v for very much.

Tasteless Poetry: Episode XXIII

You asked for it. You got it. Sing along to the tune of White Christmas.

A Pabst Blue Ribbon Christmas

I’m dreaming of a Pabst Blue Ribbon Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know 
Where the beer cans glisten, 
and barflies listen 
To hear drunks pissin’  in the snow 

I’m dreaming of a Pabst Blue Ribbon Christmas 
With every Christmas song I hear 
May your days be merry with beer
And the beer don’t spill while shifting gears.

I’m dreaming of a Pabst Blue Ribbon Christmas 
With a crackwhore in spandex tights
May your wifebeater be shiny and bright
And may all your Christmas meth be white

You Pick ‘Em

I thought that I would leave it up to you wonderful freaks and friends to pick the next Truly Tasteless Christmas poem. Just vote for the title and I’ll supply the tastelessness.

 

And to cleanse your palette, head over to Heff’s Bar and Grill and check out his take on CornDragons.

Takin’ Care Of Business

I’ll get off my ass and post the Freak of the Week Winner this evening but I thought that I would take care of business and say thanks to a couple of blogmigos first.

Writer Chick in her absence has graciously allowed me to guest post on her site with a tasteless poem. As I didn’t want to trash her PG rated joint, I didn’t write a single obscenity. I was so proud.

Heff does a regular post on cheap beers entitled, ‘Whats On Tap, Heff.’ . As I am an aficionado of beers, cheap and otherwise, I proudly sent him a fine Texas Brew that is inexpensive but doesn’t cut down on taste or quality and also offers a concentration game on every bottle cap. He must have been impressed because he published one of the best damn beer review that I have ever seen. And I have to thank his better and much better looking half, Donna, for making the review so freakin’ awesome.

Ain’t Got Shit

I tried to write a tasteless poem for today but all that I could come up with was this:

Shove my cock in Jamie Lynn Sigler

Deep down her throat to tickle her giggler.

I know that is for shit but it’s hard to think of anything with this video running through my head.

Oh well fuck it. I have a guest post coming up for Writer Chick, some guest picks for Phats, and the Freak of the Week contest coming up. Hopefully that damn song will get out of my head soon and I can post some of my usual fucked up shit.

Tasteless Poetry: Episode XXII

I thought that I would jumpstart the Thanksgiving blogging season with a little Thanksgiving Fuck You Haiku.

I’ll Take Mine With Gravy

A Dominatrix

At the Thanksgiving’s Day Feast

Spanking my giblets.