Archive for the Rants Category

Fuck Cute

Posted in End Of The World, Evyl 101, personal thoughts, Rants with tags on May 23, 2009 by Pure Evyl

Yesterday, I was out shopping for some new duty boots. While headed to the boot rack on the back aisle, I noticed a young couple looking at ladies shoes. I overheard him say, ‘They’re cute but I’m just not sure they’re you.’

What in the flying fuck is up with that? I would have shot this fucker in the balls but I might be arrested for destroying her fucking purse. There are only two legitimate uses for the word, ‘cute’, in the English Language. I man may say that a baby or very young child is cute and a man may say that a puppy or infant animal is cute. All other uses of the word cute by a man is strictly forbidden and if a man uses it for other than these two legitimate reasons then in my opinion he might as well take a trip to Trinidad, Colorado, donate his balls to a worthy cause, have his cock flipped inside out, and concentrate on a career in Softball.

Fuckin’ sonsofbitches, It’s metro-sexual asshole cum-bubbles like that, that make it tough for the rest of us real men.

It’s A Duty Asshole

Posted in personal thoughts, Rants with tags on May 20, 2009 by Pure Evyl

The other day I was summoned to report for Jury Duty at the County Courthouse. I drew a juror number 215 so I wasn’t worried about actually being picked as a juror but I also realized that I was due for a long morning of listening to a great deal of legal bullshit.

While waiting to be called into the courtroom to be seated, I engaged in a small talk with a douchebag that I knew from a while back. He told me that he had never been called for jury duty before and that he thought that it would be cool to sit on a jury. I told him that I had served on a few juries and that it was mostly boring bullshit and the coolness factor was damned near nil.

A short while later, the bailiff started calling the roll to seat the perspective jurors in their seats. I noticed that the douchebag was called in the high one hundred’s so there wasn’t much chance of him being called. Then I finally took my seat in the back row.

The judge started out by reading out the list of qualifications and everyone was qualified so there wasn’t any thinning out at that time. Then he read out the list of exemptions and no one met those either, I suppose anyone that had an exemption just mailed it in. Then the judge asked if anyone had any circumstances that would prevent them from serving at this time.

The fucking douchebag’s hand raised as quickly as the judge opened his mouth. The motherfucker went up and made up some bullshit sob story and the judge let him go. If I didn’t have the respect for the law that I do, I would have gone up there and punched that douchebag right in the fucking mouth. Talking all that bullshit about serving on the jury and then not to have the respect to sit on the fucking uncomfortable wood chairs to a mornings worth of bullshit; asshole-cocksucker-dickwad-motherfuckin’ bitch.

So I sat there and listened to the bullshit, got excused at noon, and collected my eight fucking bucks. Ain’t service to your country grand.

Confession Is Good For The Soul: My Ass

Posted in personal thoughts, Popular Culture, Rants, Television with tags on May 19, 2009 by Pure Evyl

This morning I woke up early and flipped through the channels and wound up watching some bullshit documentary on HBO. The program was Middle School Confession. The show was documenting a bunch of acne factory twelve and thirteen year old jailbait bitches. The young teen girls were talking about how they were proud to be virgins but didn’t mind giving a ‘handy’ or going down on their boyfriends.

Now I’m no fucking pedophile or cho-mo or anything but I do have one question. Where in the flying fuck were these bitches when I was in junior high. I would have done some serious asskissin’ for a damned blow job back in the day, hell I did some serious asskissin’ just to feel up a couple of nubs. Hell, I got a stiffy when the fucking wind blew in the right damned direction but do you think any of the bitches that I went to school with was willing to google the hoogler. Hell fucking no.

I was born ahead of my time and motherfucker that sucks ass.

Flip It

Posted in Advertising, Advice and Guidance, Rants with tags on April 21, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I really hate those new GM commercials showing all the boneheads with their caps flipped inside out. Supposedly it is inspired by a sports cliche that when a rally is needed everyone flips their caps inside out.

I hope all the environmental nut-jobs don’t put two and two together and come up with a campaign to conserve water resources by encouraging people to turn their drawers inside out in order to save washing them for another day.

Now That’s Fucking Lazy

Posted in Advertising, Rants, The End Of The World with tags on April 14, 2009 by Pure Evyl

I recently saw a commercial advertising a text service. All a person had to do was text a question and the service would answer it for 99 cents. I suppose this is a service for assholes that are too fucking lazy to Google for themselves or some fucking Cliff Clavin type of asshole that just has to have the right Jeopardy answer while spouting bullshit at the corner of the bar. Either way an asshole and his money are soon parted.

Hosed By A Dream

Posted in love and marraige, personal thoughts, Rants with tags on November 25, 2008 by Pure Evyl

Last night I dreamt that my wife busted me for having an affair. What a fucked up dream. The worst part is that I haven’t had an affair and had not even had a recent dream of having an affair. If a person has a fucked up dream about getting busted for getting a strange piece of ass without even virtually getting a strange piece of ass, then their sub-conscience is just plain ass hosing them. Hopefully if I have that dream again tonight, it will come with flashbacks of some really freaky sex scenes. Well, good night folks and sweet dreams.

Sunday Theme Music: Breakin’ Shit

Posted in Rants, Theme Music with tags on October 5, 2008 by Pure Evyl

My fucking hot water heater went the fuck out last night. So today it is off to Home Freakin’ Depot. And the worst damned part of it is some douchebag framed in the closet that it is in after installing the last motherfucker. The damned hot water heater is too big to pull out of the fucking door. So in order to pull it the fuck out, I am going to have to pull off the damned door facing. Son of a Bitch, I should have noticed that type of shit before I bought this fucking house. So here is a little background noise to play while I am beating the fucking door down instead of sitting on my fucking ass drinking beer and watching Football.