Freak Of The Week Contest: Week Three
Since I have some other blogging duties to perform this evening, I have decided to move up the start of this Weeks Freak of the Week contest. The end of the contest remains the same however. With an extra day, I am sure that this weeks entries will be truly a sight to behold.
This week’s contest is a true test of evyl ability. Your challenge if you choose to accept it is to write one sentence. The sentence that the Freak Finding Panel of Judges find to be the freakiest and most evyl wins the exalted title of Evyl’s Freak of the Week. Sound easy? Good!!! The only rules are that it must be only one sentence and must contain these three words (or a variation of the words): Squint, Yurt, and Queef.
Good Luck, and may the freakiest freak win.
Always Willing to Lend A Hand
The new Assistant Warden discussed a possible new plan to curb unprofessional behavior at the facility. It is his opinion that the use of profanity is far too excessive. His plan is to have a charity jar. When anyone is caught cursing, that person is to leave a donation in the jar.
I whole-heartily agree with his position and endorse it with enthusiasm. I have volunteered to administer the program to the very best of my ability. I even plan to give generously to the fund. I have decided on a great charity that will benefit greatly from this highly motivational fund. I am now working on just the right words to put on the jar to help motivate my co-workers.
The Evyl Foundation For The Linguistically Challenged.
“Give Till It Hurts, you fuckwitted, piss-complected, banjo-pluckin’, shit for brains, dung eating, douche drinking, cumfaced rejects from Hee-Haw.”
Surely that should motivate a few extra donations to the jar.
A Little Mid-Week Cheer
I don’t know about everyone else, but my week has been a royal assed bitch so far. Since it is only mid-week perhaps I need to give myself a little cheer. Here goes:
Rat’s Ass
Bat’s Ass
Dirty Old Twat
Sixty-Nine Assholes tied in a knot.
Hey Lizard Shit
FUCK!!!
I feel better already. After a couple of beers, I will be able to take on the rest of the week.
(I learned this cheer a long time ago, and have forgotten the original author. So whoever came up with this cheer, I appreciate it. You have helped me out of some tough spots.)
Movin’ On Up
Well we’re movin on up,
To the south side.
To a deluxe trailer in the sky.
Movin on up
To the south side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.
Don’t wear no shirt in the chop shop;
Meth don’t burn on the grill.
Beat on an episode of the Cops
Sued to get a smooth mill.
Now we’re up in the Sprint Cup
Gettin’ our turn at the wheel.
As long as we live, it’s you and me baby
There ain’t nothin wrong with that.
Well we’re movin on up,
To the south side.
To a deluxe trailer in the sky.
Movin on up
To the South side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.
Freak of the Week: Week 2
It was an extremely tough week for the Freak Finding Panel of Judges. There were so many excellent Fuck You Haiku’s. My sincere appreciation to all the entrants for a great contest this past week.
In the end there could be only one winner. And so now I give you this weeks winning entry.
Swing Low Sweet Breastages
Yummy as ball funk
Sweaty knockers hangin’ low
Taste the saltiness
Congratulations Red!!! You are the winner this week. I hope that everyone will go visit Red and congratulate her on a hard fought victory. And also go check out my little homage to Red on the Winning Freaks page.
And thanks again to everyone that give it their shot. You are all winning freaks in my eyes. Better luck next contest, I have a real good one in mind.
A Truly Disgusting Toon
Mere words could never come close to describing just how twisted this cartoon is. Maybe I could but I keep laughing too fucking hard to even try.
Happy Mother’s Day ‘08
Some Things Never Change.
Happy Mother’s Day To All You Mutha’s.
Ask Evyl: Life Coach Extraordinaire: Pictures In The Minds Eye
It is a modern problem: How to be a gentleman in a world filled with decadence and debauchery. Since I am well versed in all three subjects, from time to time, I am e-mailed for advice in just how that is accomplished. Today I will share one such e-mail in hopes that somewhere, somehow, someone may reap the rewards that modern gentlemanly behavior sows.
Dear Evyl, I love my girlfriend so why do other women pop into my head during sex?
Dear Mental Amateur Pornographer, Men are visual creatures. Other women popping up in your head is just your brains way of helping out your cojones. Unless you are calling out these other women’s name during the act then there is no problem. To avoid this ever happening, you must train yourself to never refer to a woman by their name during sex. If you never say a name then you will never use the wrong one. Instead use the term baby, honey, or ‘Oh you sweet fuckin’ slut’. The term used will depend on the mood during the act. Take your cues from your girlfriend and everything should work out for the best.
On another note, if you find yourself visualizing the crazy old cat-lady down the street during sex, you might have a problem. If that happens either go see a psych-doctor or bang the crazy old cat-lady and get it out of your system.
